My Life

December

2009-12-09T19:02:00.000-08:00

I guess it's been a while since I have posted. One day I sat here and re read some of my post, I decided real fast my life is pretty depressing, I guess that could be I only seem to want to write when I'm sad or just don't want every post to be sad so I write less.
Regardless here I come with a new post. It's December, the month I seem to dread the most. I'm trying and I mean I'm really trying to just focus on the good and not dreal on the bad. Lets recap this year. I have been Jeeping and been driving Johns Jeep which to me means the world. I feel close to him every time I'm behind the wheel. I couldn't have gotten behind the wheel with out friends helping me and telling me I can. Allen was my spotter and thanks to him I know I can now do it alone. Which puts me on cloud 9. I even was able to do some up grades on the Jeep. I know John is smiling. The kids both started new schools and they are doing great! Jash dropped out of Band and picked up racing. I'm so very proud. His racing career may be coming to a halt due to no funds and no sponsor for him. There is only so much I can do on my own. new tires will cost 500.00 and we need them. plus every race cost and cost. Jash won his division this year and what a accomplishment that was. way to go Jash!!! Kenzie is making good grades and let me say that's it's own accomplishment she tries so hard. Our family grew this year we now have Casper which is a cat and since it was a gift we love him but have learned even the free gifts cost the most but wouldn't trade him. I purchased me a new car this year after I sold the BMW. OK not new but I love it. I bought an Excursion so I can haul my Jeep. Now I'm proud of myself. Yea me... I'm still nervous but excited at the same time and I'm saving money on the deal which is better. I'm so thankful for what I have and what I did have. I have two beautiful, wonderful kids and house full of animals and a roof over our heads. I think about John daily and speak his name even more. Next week Johns birthday will be here and we plan on celebrating. I bought stuff today to make a pineapple upside down cake, I haven't made one in two years. It was Johns favorite he would have been 38. I miss him so much. It's hard when you lose your husband / best friend. John truly knew everything about me and yet still loved me. ;) It will be two years five days after Christmas since I have seen his beautiful face. I still hear his voice that day in my head. He asked me to rub his shoulders and which I did, then I kissed his head told him I loved him and said don't give up you will be fine then i walked back to the waiting room. I still wished I had never listened to that nurse. who cares that visiting hours were over, I should have stayed!!! My dream would be to have some more time if only my life was a movie and things like that could really happen. I often wonder if he could come back even for an hour what would he say. OK I watch way to many movies. Now that I have tears running down my face I may stop and try this again later, Just know we are surviving and hanging on to this life we have received even with all the good and the bad.

October Rain

2009-10-08T06:10:00.000-07:00

Can you believe it's October already? Well I can't and with the month of October here The next two months are the ones I seem to dread the most. The holidays were always my favorite time of the year. December I guess is the worse time for me. In grieve share classes they said any kind of holiday or Anniversary or Birthday will be the hardest to get through. December starts off with Johns Birthday, we spent many of those at Hooters and I made John his pineapple upside down cake. ( his favorite) Kenzie has pointed out I haven't made one since daddy went to Heaven and ask if I would. How can baking a cake be so hard. Just thinking about it makes me cry. Then comes Christmas this will be our second with out him. I'm going to be honest and just say it Totally SUCKS!!!
Then comes the Anniversary of John passing. Oh how I miss him. Two years how can it be. The other night I feel asleep with Johns closet door open and about 1.30am I believe I hear beeping. I woke up and found Johns alarm clock going off in the closet. it was set for that time to remind him to take pills. Can't believe it still goes off after all this time.
I layed in bed and just let it Beep. I layed there and cried because I would have to nudge John to get him up some times.
The last month or so I have noticed my depression getting worse. I'm trying really hard to fight it.I'm just mad I want him back. This wasn't the way it was suppose to be. I miss the stubborn part of John I miss the sweet, loving,Joking around John. .
I'm just being a baby today and needed to vent. I think this weekend the kids and I will visit the cemetery It's been over a month now. Need to check on the flowers and make sure they are still there. also time to make a holiday one. Maybe some day I will have the headstone payed off. The kids and I are wanting to save for a bench or something cool for out there So expensive though. But we want to add a picture of John and I together and the kids.
The kids are growing up so fast, they are both about to pass me in height. I'm 5'8 so you know these kids are going to be tall. They both are doing really well. Kenzie loves Bonham and Jash is doing great at Amarillo High, both of them are on the A B honor roll. So proud of them.
Well I guess I'm done venting I have lots to try and get done today so behind.

sad day

2009-09-23T10:10:00.000-07:00

Sitting here with knots in my stomach, I want to scream, cry, and throw up. Today I have to say Goodbye. Goodbye to a friend I met during the worst time in our life's. John and I met the Lambersons at BSA on the 6th floor. The nurses had told me about a family going through the same thing as John and I . Same cancer and everything. Would I talk to them the nurse asked. It was Johns second time to be going through Leukemia so they thought us being the same age and all it could help them. I went to Mikkas room and talked to her husband Lance, Mikka didn't want to meet anyone at the time. Later that night Mikka and Lance came to Johns room and we sat and talked. From there a friendship grew.
Strangers brought together in a time of need and sickness. Mikka and I would talk on the phone and when she came to Amarillo we had our lunch dates. Olive garden or Jonnies.. My heart is aching right now as I waste time waiting to drive to Panhandle. I prayed that I could find someone to attend the funeral with me. I'm going alone and right now I feel so very weak.
I hate CANCER I hate what it does to people and their families. Mikka is already missed, I won't get those text messages, or lunch dates no more, She is in Heaven with my love John. God I pray to make it through this day. I just can't bare to lose another friend. I'm adding a picture of Mikka and her Children please pray for their family. Rest in peace my dear friend, I'll miss our friendship.

Proud of my kids

2009-08-27T06:27:00.000-07:00

School has started and I feel like I'm in a race every day to get things done.Races are still going but will soon be over for the season. Jash has already Won the championship for cage carts and he is now racing his Midget so next season he won't be a rookie. I'm so very proud of him. He may after all have both of his parents in him. Guess the nick name Fearless will continue in him. He said he sure wished High school had a class like racing because it would be an easy A.
This Friday night I'm getting to drive a Midget in the powder puff race.. Never have driven one but I'll give it my best.
Kenzie is loving Middle school not sure if it's not because of all the boys. Man oh man she is boy crazy. Kenzie has such a sweet heart my sweet angel always seems to know just what to say to make me smile. She asked me the other day if there is a day where I don't cry. I'm sure there are those days but the other days I guess out weigh them.
I allowed someone to hurt us, I can handle my feelings being hurt but don't hurt my kids. How some people CAN be so immature in their 30's and not have the ( balls) or maturity just to be true.
I have some of the nicest friends you could ever have. They keep me going, Maybe I don't tell them enough just how much they all mean to me and just how thankful I am to have them and for all they do. It's like when you love someone so much do you tell them has much as you should. John would say momma you should know I love ya I'm here aren't I. That was just John. I pray he knew just how much I loved him and still do. I like to sit and reread my mothers day card he wrote me one year while in the hospital he asked the nurse for crayons and paper. lol and it was by far the BEST card he ever gave me and I keep it in a frame in out bedroom. My point I guess is we may not tell our friends enough what they really mean to us and I guess we all should and it needs to go both ways.
Well of course I'm still Jeeping. I'm even working on improvements on the orange Jeep. Every time I do something cool or new to it. It makes me feel better because I know John would just sit back and smile..I love the new stickers I put on it. thanks to Donnie who gave them to me, I LOVE THEM AND SO happy to have them thanks Donnie. Take a look..

It's on both sides of the Jeep way cool!!!!!! Well I'm getting off here so maybe I can clean this pig pen we live in, I'm not sure my house has ever been this bad. Geez!!! Keep praying for my dear friend Mikka. Please pray for the Larson family sheila lost the battle with Cancer Sunday she is now healed not in any pain, and is a beautiful angel in Heaven. Like always tell the ones you love just how much you love them. God Bless Renea

needing life to slow down

2009-07-22T09:18:00.001-07:00

I sure wish life would slow down so we could enjoy it more. Lets see where to start. Jash got hurt at his last race and we ended up spending a whole night in the ER so he could get stitches, which is now known for the bragging rights for Jash. It so must be a boy thing.. But because of the nights events I had to call the garage sale off for lack of sleep.
Kenzie and I learned she aced her Taks tests with high scores by only missing one question. I'm so very proud of her. Saturday night Jimmy and I along with several friends went and watched the shark fights. I have to say that was sure an eventful evening, lol ;)
Last night Kenzie and I went to the cemetery to clean up flowers not only for John but we walk around and if someone Else's have blown over we put them back for them. It really makes us feel good. Then we headed to Camp Alfie. Camp Alfie is a camp for Children who have had Cancer. Every year we go and we cook for the kids and then give them Jeep rides. I had the same little boy from last year wanting to ride with me. He asked if I remembered him and of course I said yes and I really did too. I was really excited that Jordan rode with me this year, she is a little girl from kenzie's school who has had the same Leukemia has John. Matter of fact I have talked about her in my blogs before, Her mother passed away last May to cancer then little Jordan was diagnosed two months later. Her family has really touched my heart..
I would like to volunteer more for activities like this one.,
Maybe because the CANCER ones are so close to home for me and heavy on my heart.
Which brings me to needing my prayer warriors again. My dear friend Mikka is still not doing very well she fears she may never get to remission again. She told me she is just learning to live with the fact she may not be here much longer. please pray for her. Her and Lance together have six children. oh yes six. I always laugh and say your the Brady bunch except they only have one girl. Mikka told me John would be proud of me, see John also knew he would be leaving us behind and told us to move on and be happy, and let me tell you its not as easy has it may seem. John meant the world to me and often I wish it would have been me. I miss him every day. I'm still fighting my depression and some days are great and other are just bad. Maybe because I have found my self in a relationship. I have not dated since the age of 17 when I met John and Married at 18. Now there are kids involved . It's just a scary thing to me. I dont want to be hurt and I sure don't want my kids hurt. None of us deserve that. But I have let my shield down. So it's in Gods hands.
My second prayer is for Sheila Larson, they have moved her to hospice please pray for her and her family along with all her many friends who love her.
Pray for healing...
It's a beautiful day today the high is only 78 woo hoo. I think I'm going to clean up around the house then go for a Run.. Have a blessed week everyone. Don't forget to tell your loved ones you love them

Happy 4th of July

2009-07-04T09:05:00.000-07:00

Hey guys, First I would like to say thanks for all the support I have received from each of you. The kind words and encouragement has been very uplifting.
God has truly blessed me with wonderful people in my life. Today Kenzie is in Dallas with her Nana, and Papa seeing my sister. We are done with summer school and so very excited about that. She is such a wonderful kid. the past years have really been hard on her. Glad she is out having some fun. Just got done with my garage sale yesterday, well not just mine, it was everyone I guess. lol Chris and Lisa, April , Clint, Jimmy's and mine all together there was over 1000.00 made not bad for a one day sale. We must be crazy because we plan on having another this next week. I cant believe how much stuff I have to sell.
My nephew said I just may have a shopping problem lol..
Not sure what our plans are today Only have Jash. Been invited to several places so it makes it hard to choice. I received a message on here the other day from a person who wants to talk and I will be more than happy to visit with you. wasn't sure how to contact you. Not through here any ways.. Send me a message . I hope all my friends have a blessed 4th be safe and have lots of fun. To Clint and April Happy Anniversary love you guys.

Movie Quotes

2009-04-14T09:11:00.000-07:00

While doing a survey with friends we were asked about our favorite quotes from movies. So I thought I would share with you all. The one from Hope Floats is so very true. I remember being scared before I got married to John and even though we had our ups and downs the middle was the best part of my life so far. I wouldn't want to change one thing. and yes the end is very sad..
Now I find my self not sure where I am. I'm not in the Beginning of anything except I have these two wonderful kids and their Beginnings are still yet to come. I hope they both find there one true love and live a life of happiness, Then there's the quote from the Notebook. it's not easy and you do have to work at having a happy life. But man it's worth it.

Beginnings are scary. Endings are usually sad, but it's what's in the middle that counts. So, when you find yourself at the beginning, just give hope a chance to float up. And it will.

From the movie Hope Floats

Not so bad...

2009-04-13T12:25:00.000-07:00

While I'm waiting on picking up Kenzie from school thought I would just say how glad I am that another holiday is over with. This past week as been another stressful time. We lost another friend and had to go to the Funeral. I didn't take the kids I feel like they have had their share for awhile.. It was a beautiful service, Pam is not far from where John is. So when Jash and I went to the Cemetery Easter we stopped by where she is and said Happy Easter... How special to be spending Easter up in Heaven. I can only imagine!! The wonderful Glory in that!
Kenzie had gone home with my parents and Jash and I went to see a movie. I'm so glad my kids like to spend time with me. We saw Fast and furious, not too bad now we have to wait for number 5.. which we will have to go see.. Had a pretty good weekend. went out Friday night with friends and really enjoyed myself. It's great to have such great friends.
Not a lot going on right Now trying to sell my BMW I need to put an ad out and haven't. Right now I just park it on the corner from where I live. I would like to drive Jash's Jeep for a least a year and pay off a few things and save money to buy a new vehicle that can haul my orange Jeep. I bet John would be so proud and shocked how much I still love and enjoy the hobby we had together. To be honest I enjoy it a bit more now. I love driving.. lol It's such a rush..
Jashua is home sick today he had a very low fever and a sore throat so I let him stay in and he is sleeping it off.
I have great kids I just can't say that enough. To think what they have been through in their short life's just amaze me. The have handled them self's better than most adults would have.
Well here's a some what funny story..
We got home from the movies last night and I realized that we had no way into the house. I had turned off the garage door earlier in the day so no one would open it while the dogs were in there. I don't caring a key very often because I depend on the garage. lol I'm learning the hard way. Ok so I checked the windows and doors locked To get into back yard I had to climb over the fence because they are locked,, Once I got in the back yard once again all windows and doors were found locked. I have this small window in my bedroom bathroom I thought I would check it. yea unlocked. It's also the smallest window on the house and up the highest, So I found something I could stand on and had to use the roof to hold my self up while I got my feet through first. This would have made a great time to have a hidden camera.. anyways I got in but while doing this I could hear my kids fighting out front. Jash thought he was going to throw up and Kenzie's yelling get out of the Jeep. I guess you had to be there but last night I'm laying in bed and started to laugh over really how crazy all that was. Time to go get Kenzie. Hope everyone has a blessed week.

Best Weekend!

2009-03-29T09:40:00.001-07:00

Who would have thought it would be Snow to make us all so happy. We had hot chocolate, and played in the snow. It brought back so many fond memories. John loved to be out in the snow. making Snowmen, snow angels or taken the kids sledding.. We all laughed and carried on this weekend. Jash Kenzie, and I all talked about the memories we shared with their daddy. I have found myself in a rut! I know there are things I need to do. Is it weird I don't want to be 100 % happy. It's hard to say. I just miss him so much.. That will never change, I was blessed this week by selling John's Deer feeders that was an answer to many prayers.
John's head stone should be half way finished this week. Maybe no more mistakes.. One can only hope anyways... I wanted to share a happy moment because I know so much of my life these days aren't so happy.. Oh I do have a huge prayer request for Kenzie she is making good grades and studies so hard but when it comes to the Taks test she didn't do so well So now she will have three in the Month of April to take. one is a retake. Please pray she will do well. Thanks all.

2009-03-22T19:33:00.000-07:00

The sad face could have just been the way I have felt this past week, I have been waiting and waiting to have John's Head stone finished. I hear over and over again should be soon.. Every other week I call the monument place to check on the Status, found out it was finished BUT! Oh yes a big But. It would have to be redone. After the military didn't help pay for the Bronze I changed everything and was adding a picture of our Jeep. It's a picture of John climbing and getting some air. Looks like he is driving into the clouds.
The picture turned out awful and you couldn't even tell what it was.. . I could feel my heart drop. I cried it's something that has caused stress and sleepless nights. I want John to have his stone. The kids and I need him to have his stone. I was told the stone it self would be layed this week but with out the picture. The picture will take some more time.
You know I miss John so deeply. and still have days I don't Believe he is gone.
Or maybe I just don't want to face reality.
Can I just say sometimes Reality Sucks!
I do thank God, I thank God every day for the blessings I do have and the Blessings I did have.
John was a huge Blessing! I see him in our beautiful kids, In Kenzie's eye's in Jash's ways.. The family knows what I mean Jash has so much of his dad in him.
Jash has tried to be a handy man. He knows things break around the house and being the sweet ( stubborn) kid he is He has tried to help. I also have wonderful friends who help me with things there is No way I could fix. Mostly with the Jeeps. I can fix little things around the house but when it comes to my Jeeps I'm clueless. So to my friends, Clint, Allen, & Jackie thank you so much for helping me keep my Jeeps up and running. Driving the orange Jeep makes me feel closer to John. I have to keep it going which Keeps me going.. This weekend I went to The Ranch with the club and it was the first time in Johns Jeep. I had tried once before But the Jeep broke before we even got in down in the Canyon..
The last time John was down in the Canyon was the Challenge. I remember heading to the gas station and after John pumped gas and Jash and I got a Monster drink. we all got back into the truck and John had a glow in his eyes. The last year of Johns life his glow was something we didn't see much of. But that day I saw it and I even told him he was back!
He at first he looked at me like I was crazy! But I saw him .
Later months later right before he passed he told me he knew what I meant. That he knew part of him was gone. Two weeks later John went to heaven. So going to the Canyon this weekend has a new meaning for me and I couldn't have gone if it weren't for my hero's who keep my JEEP up and running. Here is a picture of me driving in the Canyon.. I have to say I'm pretty darn proud of my self for even trying half the trails I do. I'm telling ya he is with me...

On a happier note. Things are pretty OK. Kenzie and Jash are doing good in school and getting great grades. We had a good Spring Break. I got the kids a new Wii game and we are enjoying it. We stayed up late and enjoyed being around each other.. I think my kids are the best kids in the world. We do have our wonderful moments and our happy moments. Kids go back to school tomorrow.

I will ask you all to please Pray and hard. My dear friend Mikka is back in the hospital she is having a hard time right now. Just lifts her and her family up. God bless..

2009-03-05T06:09:00.000-08:00

Not really sure where to begin, Last time I posted I was asking for prayers for other's, My heart fills so heavy right now. Connor Deal a 6th grader at Bonham and in Jash's Car pool passed away, It breaks my heart, Jash and I went to the visitation for Connor and I felt so bad for his parents. John always said he was ok being sick as long as it wasn't one of our babies. Please continue to pray for the Deals.
Yesterday Rick Owens passed away from Cancer, He also had two children. I was thinking there as been four deaths of people I have known already this year. I'm ready for better news, up lifting news ( something)..
My Friend April her dads company layed off 250 people this week, my dads company layed off several. The Rail Road layed off several I'm ready for that CHANGE we have all heard is coming..
There as been some good news My Friend Brande is expecting her first baby this Summer. I'm so excited for her and DJ they just bought their first home and now a baby.
Today I'm at home with Kenzie who threw up most of the night I sure hope it's just a 24 hour bug. Poor thing she is so excited about the field trip to WT tomorrow. I sure hope she can go.. Pray for her.

As for me things are ok, I wouldn't say great but ok.. I haven't been to one of my Grief Share classes in a couple of weeks and I'm really thinking that's for the best.. Maybe I waited too long to start going in the first place. But I don't want to keep reliving what as happened to our lives. I know what happened and it hurts and it sucks. I miss John daily. But the reminder every Monday isn't helping it's like taken me back to when it first happened. I'm sure some day my heart will heal some but it's going to take a lot of time for my heart to heal..
I ran into a friend who also lost his wife, she passed away two days before John and he kept telling me he as done better since he as moved on. I cried and said Just not ready. Someday I will just not yet.
I find it important to mention my blessing's everyone can pray for the bad but I also like to pray for the blessings in my life.
My kids, I love them so much and they are true blessings from God.
My family, Their support has helped me in ways I cant express.
My friends the girls and guys God as sent me some true angels without them I know I couldn't have done this with out them.. There is so many to list that I'm thankful for I just hope each of them know what they have meant to me.
Some of which are like Brothers and sister's and a few are a bit crazy but that's why I love them.. Ok off to take care of the ill..( Kenzie ) Have a blessed day all !!
please continue to pray for those who have lost their loved ones, those who have been sick, and those who have lost their Jobs. God Bless..

Prayer Warriors

2009-02-17T12:58:00.000-08:00

I just have some Prayer request.
Connor Deal a 6th grader at Bonham Middle school really needs prayers. please go to this link.
http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/connordeal
He is in the car pool after school with my son Jash. very touching story.

Rick Owens is also in need of prayers here is the Link to his site:
http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/rickpatrickowens
His parents are in the Jeep exclusive Club with myself.

Here is a blog I have been following a few of my friends are friends with this family, This proves prayers are working.
http://brysonquinto.blogspot.com/

Just wanted to get my Prayer Warriors rolling on those prayers,

There is power in prayer.
John 15:7
If ye abide in me, and my words abide in you, ye shall ask what ye will, and it shall be done unto you.

God Bless you.

Please contuine to pray for my family my children and I have been missing John more and more these days. Not sure when the hurt starts to heal, but pray for us..

Week four during Grief Share

2009-02-10T14:21:00.000-08:00

This week for Grief Share class we focused on losing a spouse. I didn't just lose my Husband I also lost our hopes and dreams. The dream of having someone to grow old with. Watching this weeks video just made me more sad. This is why I'm not so sure these classes are helping.
We talked about the loneliness that it brings and how friends leave you behind.
I have been confronted by losing friends, John's friends. Friends who I thought would always be here. Not to just help when things are broke but friends to lean on and take my son hunting.
We talked about how men don't know how to act when a friend passes.
It was brought up maybe it's hard on them being around me and the kids because before it was always John, myself and the kids. . You can really learn a lot about people after someone dies.
I prayed last night for those friends.
I'm even thinking about writing a letter to one. John really cherished their friendship, and I just want David to know if he is also grieving it's ok. We all miss John, and to let David know I pray for him.
We talked about finding a new identity, They said I have to accept the fact I'm now single. I'm not a wife. I'm just me. Well it sucks!!
Even writing that makes me sick. It's so overwhelming.
We talked about how different it is for a man than it is for a women. One lady said.. Men replace,, women pace... I can believe that..
I have had a lot of anxiety.. there are so many things I have to learn how to do. fixing tail lights, plumbing problems, homework with the kids, It seems right now my world as fallen. I have so many broken things and really have no idea how to fix them. here is just a short list of broken items.. dishwasher (since before Christmas) lawn mower, sprinkler system, tail light, Jeep as problem starting. the list could really go on. Urg!!!!
So tonight I will pray... "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you" 1 peter 5:7
: But I trust in you,O Lord I say' you are my God, My times are in your hands. Psalm 31:14-15

I do have an awesome God.. I have been blessed with two wonderful Children, a great family, and friends. to which I am very grateful for.
Tonight I'm going to dinner with friends to celebrate one of my best friends birthday's April. I'm a lucky girl to have such wonderful friends.
Because this being the week of losing a spouse I'm posting a picture from our wedding July 8th 1994

Peaceful,

2009-02-08T11:13:00.000-08:00

My baby is 14.. ( wow) We had a party Friday night at Church. It turned out great. I'm so lucky to have such wonderful kids. Jash is saving his money for a new cell phone. I bought his first one two years ago and now it's his turn.
I think he made more than enough to buy one. After his party I went to celebrate LaWana's birthday with her we had a girls night out and had lots of fun. I may be feeling to old to have so much fun though, the next morning wasn't so much fun.
I also made it through my friend Jennifer's Wedding Saturday. She was so beautiful I'm so glad I went. I started crying when her mother started walking down the aisle. I just love weddings it's a beginning of something wonderful I pray God will bless them with many happy years together..
I just want to say to my friends thank you.. I may not say it enough you all mean so much to me. Between my family and my friends I have felt blessed.. some friends are more like sister's. and I have a few male friends I consider best friends. So Thank you all.
Today the kids and I are at home relaxing and enjoying a nice Sunday. Peaceful Sunday!! Hope everyone as a great week. please continue to pray for those that need it.

3rd class of Grief Share

2009-02-02T20:32:00.000-08:00

I just went to my 3rd grief share class. The class it self went much easier than the last two. You talk about the person you loss and share with the group what ever you feel like sharing. Talking about John is hard but I enjoy talking about him. John was always my best friend in my life and I miss him but I want to be able to talk about him in front of other and it not seem weird.
Next week we are talking about losing a spouse.. That class may be the hardest yet to come.
You know it may be easy for other's to judge me and to think my life is too much Drama. But It's my drama I didn't ask for it, It just happened. People may put them self's into my Drama if it should be called that but till you have been where I'm at you have no idea what someone is going through.
I'm trying to learn how to live my life without what I thought was the main part.
It's like biscuits and gravy my favorite breakfast I no longer have my gravy so I have to learn how to eat my biscuits with something different like Jelly or just butter.
Ok that might not sound hard to some but for me it's very difficult. I guess I just called John my gravy. Now I can see him shacking his head calling me a dork.
That's why I loved him...
all in all this past week went by pretty easy. The only big stress I have is my taxes... Oh How I hate this time of year. John always said I let things get to me that I shouldn't. John being the smartest man I have known I guess he was right.
I will be glad to have Thursday over though that's when I meet with my tax lady.
On a brighter note Jash's 14th birthday is Saturday the 7th. We are having his birthday Friday night at Church I just hope he as a wonderful day. On his Birthday we have a wedding to attend, PLEASE pray I can do this. I'm so scared.. It will be my first wedding. I have thought a lot about my wedding but what makes me sadder is Kenzies... Just pray for us..
also here is a list to pray for..
Rick Owens who is battling cancer
Shelia who is also battling cancer
Mikka Lamberson my dear friend who has the same Leukemia as John.
Larry Mclain who lost his mother today
My friend Jennifer who is getting married Saturday pray for a happy marriage
Just pray for everyone, and make sure to say Thanks for what you do have.
I pray for everyone in my grief Share classes everyone there as their own hurt and I pray God will heal their pain.
I'm thankful for two wonderful children,and family and great friends who have stayed beside me through the hardest time and didn't bail because it was too hard on them. Mostly I thank God for giving me the time I had with John. The memories I will hold dear to my heart.

Good weekend.

2009-01-25T19:12:00.000-08:00

This was a very relaxing weekend. I got nothing done though. NOTHING!! I did make cookies with the kids, watch movies with the kids. You know the chores aren't going any where but the kids will. Not today or tomorrow but in a few years they will be going to College. wow. That makes me sad.
So for today I will try to spend time with them. I tried to figure out which pictures to take to Grief Share tomorrow night and finsh up my homework for class. It's not hard just supose to help me under stand my grief.
Or how to help me grief. I have been through different stages of grief and I think I have gone through some stages more than once. I'm trying to set my goals. One goal is to get things out for someone else. I'm thinking if I can do it quickly like pulling off a bandaid I can get it over with. But some things are harder then they may seem to others. But we will see. But the weekend is over and it turned out pretty good. kids had sleep overs and Jash went to one. I was able to sit and talk with them. I'm one lucky mom to have such wonderful kids. God sure did know what he was doing by giving me John. and giving us two beautiful children. I missed John a lot this weekend. I could hear him saying told you so over some other things that happened this weekend and He would have loved the big breakfast I cooked today but instead of a movie we would have watched Spike Tv, then a movie. I miss so many things but sitting here remebering those things put a smile on my face.
I was so blessed. I know there is going to be many more blessings in my life.
Tonight I'm thanking God for the time we spent together. ( I miss you)
Tomorrow is going to be huge Jash goes to the ortho appointment and the are removing the thing in his mouth that as been moving his jaw for the last two years. He is so excited YEA!!!!

Forgiveness

2009-01-24T12:24:00.000-08:00

For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.
—Matthew 6:14-15

I just wanted to add I have forgave the ones who have been telling people I have been dating, I just wished people would have asked me first and I thank those that did..
I have no idea what is in my future or who will be in my future. It seems my leaving out names you find out several people will assume it is about them. I never intended my blogs to hurt people they are a way for me to open up.

If you try to reach inside of your heart you can find forgiveness, or at least the start And from that place where you can forgive is where Hope, and Love, also thrive and live
And with each step that you try to take and with that chance that your heart might break Comes so much happiness, and so much strength which Alone can carry you a fantastic length
For hate and anger will not get you there and though you say that you just don't care You can EASILY avoid the pain on which hate feeds . . . the kind of hurt that No one needs
Just make the move, take that first stride let go of the thing known as "Foolish Pride" Maybe then you can start to repair the past into something strong, that will mend, and last!

(c)Barry S. Maltese2000

Week one during grief share

2009-01-24T07:54:00.000-08:00

OK so many things have happened since my last post. I started a Grief Share class at Hillside Christan Church. Going into the class I had NO idea what to expect. or what I was hoping to get out of these classes. I'm a Christian and know people die, I know Christians will go to Heaven. I know we will see them again some day. But while we wait it's the worst pain I have ever felt. I feel horrible that I ever prayed for God to take John. I just wanted him to be healed from his pain. I know that John is in a better place and yes that gives me a great feeling. I know I'm not alone and others have had to grief for for John, and everyone does it different. But he was my best friend,my Husband,the father of my children, he was a lunch date, he was the one I would tell all and ask all. I have loss so much. The pain isn't a pain I can explain. I will attend these classes every Monday I just hope the emotional strain that I felt afterwards gets better. Few of my friends have known the stresses at home, the sleepless nights, the not being able to clean out closets (Johns) and the mornings I wake up and realize he is gone. Even after a year it at times doesn't feel real. I have talked with other widows and one thing some have said is to change little things to make them more mine. It's not erasing John. So my bedroom as been on of the hardest areas to be in and not hurt so badly. So I thought I would change it. It was actually on the list of things to do before John died. Matter of fact we asked the family that Christmas for gift cards to Lowe's I wanted to redo bathrooms and our bedroom. It's just taken me a bit longer. We had these 70's decorative poles going into the bathroom area that I always hated and wanted to have John remove and he never got around to it. So guess what I took a hammer and beat them out.

I was so excited that I was able to do it. I filled in the holes and then sanded it to make it smooth. YEA me. Here is a before and after. well more of a during and after.

Then I muded the walls. This is where the break down came into play. while I was muding I just started to cry. Not just a little bit like falling to the ground and bawling me eyes out. It could be it was 2.30am and I was tired. But I was pissed. I was pissed that John wasn't here That I couldn't share with him what I was doing. John wouldn't have been helping but I couldn't show him. John over the years got use to me redoing something in our home it's what I did.

He didn't mind it, he said because I never asked him to help. But afterwards I would expect to hear what he thought. I always tried to make everyone happy. I love how my room as turned out but sad at the same time.

Some day I will be able to clean out things, and it should be on my own time and not rushed by others. I'm kinda a pack rat and hate to discard anything. For some odd reason everything as a sentimental value to me even the things I would have hated before now have a different meaning. I have noticed my kids and I are a lot alike on this. Poor kids the one thing the got from me.

Please pray for my kids, I worry about them I have no idea what it is like to not have both parents.

I pray for you,I have asked our father to comfort all my friends and family with what ever troubles they may have, I also thank God for what I do have. God blessed me with a wonderful love through John and gave me wonderful kids ,family and friends I will cherish for ever.

(this means all family )

Just wanted to add if there is something you would like to know or think you know about me please ask me, One thing I have learned rumors can be funny,they can be hurtful, and they are most of the time just plain wrong or lies. What makes me more pissed off is when a family member spreads rumors that are untrue and unfair. It just shows that some people just really don't know you for who you are. Just to set all records straight and to get this off my chest I have not dated ANYONE! Not that it would be any one's business but don't tell people I am when I'm not you know who you are. Hope everyone as a great weekend.

Saturday is over

2009-01-12T07:15:00.000-08:00

It was a busy weekend, Saturday morning I was in the shower by 6.30am to get ready for Bobby Dales funeral. My stomach and I weren't doing so well. I have a nervous stomach and any time I'm stressed out it just about kills me and I wonder why after John died I got an ulcer.
I left for the funeral by 9.00 am to go pick up Brandon Kings kids, Brandon rode his Harley. I worry about him also that makes two friends in a years time to have lose. I took my camera because I knew there would be lots of bikes and there was. I'm going to say 70.

Bobby Dale would have been so touched. It's kind've like at Johns Funeral and we had all the Jeeps except a lot of the Jeeps couldn't come because so many aren't street legal. Tina also did a slide show and like always I think that's the better thing to do at funerals these days. It really shows what the person was like. She also picked some of the same songs I did. I have to say my heart was hurting but I could just see Bobby Dale and John together. Maybe watching the service. I miss him more and more everyday. After the funeral I had a bridal Shower, I still had my kids but was still going even knowing I couldn't stay long. I didn't take the invention with me but knew it was at Trinity. WRONG! So when I showed up at Trinity fellowship out by Randall guess what No bridal shower they were all at Trinity Baptist. So I'm a big idiot and missed Jennifer's Bridal shower. Now I feel bad. Then it was off to the river to meet up with the Jeep club for the Christmas tree burning. Let me tell you that's a lot of emotions for one day. sick,sad, lost, excited, happy, cold, and then tired. It was a good way to end a sad day.

We all bundled up and stood by the fire Let me say wearing carhartt's can make you look 100% bigger, but we were warm. This is a picture of Brande, Roxanne, and myself.. I love each of my friends. I think I smiled all night. I'm ready for a new week, and hope full it will be a better week.

Venting,

2009-01-09T07:23:00.000-08:00

Last night was another night of tossing and Turing. I can't seem to get my mind to slow down. I was hurt yesterday over a comment I read. I know we all say things that sometimes we don't mean and words some times come out wrong. I won't get into what was said but it was by a family member. I wanted to call and ask them what they meant by their comment.
Then I realized that something bad would come from it. I'm very sensitive and emotional at times I know. That's why for the most part I have kept my mouth closed on how I really feel.
I thanked God last night for my friends they truly have been there and have seen the pain I have felt. They have help me in ways others should have and didn't.
I also must add that over the last year I have become closer to my mom I know she would always be there for me and she would help more if she could. My parents all four of them have been great during this last year.
They also loved John and have helped me honor his name and keep him alive in our hearts. Just venting I guess today..
Now to ask for prayer request:::::
1.) Pray for the Johnson family we are saying our final goodbyes tomorrow to Bobby Dale
2.) Pray for the Rodman family who lost their brother this week and saying their Goodbyes today.
3.) Pray for my dear friend Mikka, She also has had the same Leukemia as John, Pray for healing for her.
4.) Pray for the Owens family who's son also has cancer and doing a trail drug pray for a cure.
5.) Pray for Jordon a little girl at Kenzie's school who just had a transplant thanks to her sister.
6.) Pray for the Lowrey family who just lost their Uncle.
7.) Pray for my family my kids have been hurting way to long.
I hope I didn't leave anyone out so just pray for everyone. Thank God for the blessings we do have. You never know tomorrow may be to late.

Just a bad Morning

2009-01-07T06:12:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning like I do most mornings. I looked around the house and I still have my Christmas boxes out that need to go to the shed. I had dishes in the sink because my dishwasher has been broke for weeks. Kids didn't want to get up and I was moving slow. Pulled up to get Campbell Jash's friend for school and couldn't get a hold of him. So I took my kids to school. When I pulled up at Bonham it hit me It's Wednesday and they don't go to school till 8.40am so my son was an hour early and that explains why Campbell wasn't answering my call.
So I drove back home with Jash and now we are waiting for the right time to leave.
I feel like I have been off my routine way too long.
But how do you get back on routine when everything is so different. I know it's been a year since John passed away but too me I can still seed things the same. I really hate all this. My life was all about my family and John. We worked around his schedule. We cooked dinner when it was better for him. I cleaned when it was better for him. He worked for the Rail road so if he had just gotten off work early morning's I couldn't be vacuuming.
I'm still LOST!!! I don't know where I belong or what I should be doing. I take care of my kids but I know all the changes have to be hard on them too. I have been real depressed lately and maybe that's because we lost Bobby Dale and it's brought back all the memories of last year at this time. I signed up for some grieve share classes at Hillside Christian that should be starting real soon. I sure pray it helps me some. I miss John every day. This morning I wanted to call him and ask when would he be home. I haven't done that in a while. Sad part is it felt so real like he would be coming home. I could really use one of his smart ass remarks followed by one of his hugs. Just missing him more and more.

Reliving the pain ( RIP)

2009-01-04T18:02:00.000-08:00

It's been awhile since I have posted in my Blog and so many things have happened. Christmas was ok it wasn't anything that I have been use to in past years. I went to South Georgia's Church on Christmas Eve and it was a nice service wasn't what I thought I was going to it wasn't a candle light service but still very nice. It's all about celebrating Christ any how.. I cant say enough how thankful I truly am for the blessings in my life. I also came to realize just how lonely I am. Some people like being single and maybe were meant to be just that. I don't believe I am one of those people.
But the idea of being with someone else scares me. The year anniversary of Johns death has come and gone and a new year. On the year mark of Johns death Johns friend Bobby Dale was put into Hospice. The kids and I had gone to the cemetery to say a prayer in which we had included Bobby Dale to that prayer and an hour later Tina called to tell me that Bobby was put in to Hospice. It brought back so many memory's of last year. Then on January 3rd the anniversary of the day we put John to rest Bobby Dale went to Heaven and the bitter sweet part is that I could see in my heart them together and Tina feeling the same pain I felt when John passed away. It's truly like reliving the pain once again.

The pictures I am posting are of Bobby Dale,Tina and my best friend Kelly. The pictures were taken during Johns Funeral 1-03-08. The first picture Bobby Dale is asking me to get into the picture. My first thought was I didn't need to be in a picture I felt like crap and my looks proved that. I said last year that date was the worst day of my life.
Till you have to put the love of your life in the ground,and you know you will never get to see them, hold them.or talk to them. I cant explain the pain that brings.
I know John loved me and it was unconditional. It makes my heart ache. I'm not sure I will ever

have that kind of love back in my life. I know God gave me John and I'm thankful. I would never want to change the life we shared.
Even knowing what would happen.
We had the John Collins Memorial run at the river on the 1st and it was so much fun. I hope John would have been proud of me.
I can honestly say I love to be out on the trails.
Sitting here tonight I cant help but wonder how Tina is holding up. I was over there last night and she seemed to be doing pretty well. But I know deep down her heart is broken and then it will hit her that he is gone.
It didn't hit me right away either. It now hits me everyday. I hope I can be there for Tina maybe we can help each other during this. I'm glad Bobby Dale isn't in pain any longer. I'm just sad that he had to go..
I hope everyone realizes how short life is. We all take way to much for granted. Love the ones you have cherish the moments you share, Tonight I pray for Tina... May God heal her pain.

hanging in

2008-12-22T21:09:00.000-08:00

The last few days have been ok , I had a night out with friends Friday Night and had a blast. We didn't do anything special but sit around and talk till early morning hours but it was fun. Today I spent some time with the two most important people in my life, my kids. I really enjoy their company, and would enjoy it more if they would stop fighting with each other. I remember fighting with my sister but my kids fight over what seems like everything, from who gets the front seat in the car,to who's turn is it to water the dogs. I pray I can survive the teenage years. tonight we went and saw Bolt, it was an ok movie had a lot of funny parts and the kids seemed to enjoy it. Maybe I enjoyed it because you cant talk during the movie. hahaha.....

no big plans coming up. Christmas Eve we will attend a candle light service or that is the plan. We attended a candle light service last Monday night that was very touching. It was for family's who have lost a loved one, and when they called the loved ones name they would light a candle and they said a prayer over each family. They even read the poem I had posted earlier. It does give me some comfort that John is getting to spend Christmas in heaven how special that should be. Just wanted to share a note with my friends that the last few days haven't been all that bad. I'm really trying to get through the holidays and make it special for my kids. I cant even come close to understand how hard it must be on them.

2008-12-14T08:55:00.000-08:00

Sunday, Time sure is flying by these days. Friday night the kids and I went to a Church program at Amarillo South with our friends the Cooksey's family It was a nice program and yet it to brought me down a bit. I couldn't help look around at all the family's and feel so jealous. I shouldn't feel that way. Saturday we went to John's baby sister's graduation at West Texas A&M. I'm so very proud of her afterwards we all enjoyed a nice lunch at Logan's, Just wished we had be able to visit a bit more. Saturday night I tried I really did try to have fun with the kids we ran to Old Navy to look for new PJ'S for Christmas Eve and then went to look at lights. I wanted to cry the whole time. My heart felt so broken. The last few days I felt like a fake person. Putting on a smile,getting dressed, and making people think I'm happy. I'm just not sure how to explain. I have an empty spot. Tuesday December 16th would have been Johns birthday and I wished his last one would have been better. He was so sick and had been bumped off a board at work and it was time to mark back up he didn;t want to and knew he couldn't work the yard he was just to weak so John bumped the only Job he could which bumped his Best friend off the board, John first of all hated to bump anyone. A long story short his friend wasn't so happy about it and called John on his Birthday and wasn't so nice. May-be if his friend had stopped and asked more questions or stopped and looked he would have known if John hadn't some one else would have anyways. I saw John cry that night he would never try to hurt anyone that's also the same night we fought. We fought for different reason's. John told me that night he knew he wouldn't be around much longer and he told the kids he knew he would be here for their graduations and to walk Kenzie down the aisle at her wedding. I chose not to want to listen and told him he was being a Selfish SOB . I told him it wasn't fair to talk that way not to the kids. I look back now and I wished I knew what I know now. I wonder often did he know. I was the one being selfish I should have listened. I always had hope that he would beat the cancer and beat what the treatments had done to him. John also told me lots of things that night and I thank him for what he said I just wished it could have been different. I guess I just needed to get this off my heart today. I pray for the kids to kept what their daddy said that night in their hearts so they never forget the love he had for them and I pray for that friend I haven't talked to him since John passed. John spoke about him just hours before he died, I pray that friend comes to realize John loved him more like a brother and John truly wished things had been different. I have been bitter towards that friend and I pray for it all to be lifted off my heart. I cant change the past between Friends. I was in hopes today I could just lift some of the weight off my heart. I realized it as bothered me for some time now. Maybe because it is just about a year. Everyone keeps telling me time heals I hope they are all right. Tuesday The kids and I along with Friends will release balloons to heaven to say Happy Birthday to the greatest person I had ever known who loved life to the fullest\ and cherished each person in his life. I hope God answers my prayers and Thanks John for me for the words he shared on December 16 2007.

My First Christmas in Heaven

2008-12-11T06:49:00.000-08:00

My First Christmas In Heaven
I see the countless Christmas Trees around the world below,with tiny lights, like heaven's stars, reflecting on the snow.The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away that tear,for I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear,but the sounds of music can't compare with the Christmas choir up here.I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring,for it is beyond description, to hear the angels sing.I know how much you miss me. I see the pain inside your heart,but I am not so far away. We really aren't apart.So be happy for me dear ones. You know I hold you dear,and be glad I'm spending Christmas, with Jesus Christ this year.I send you each a special gift, from my heavenly home above.I send you each a memory of, my undying love.After all "LOVE" is the gift, more precious than pure gold.It was always most important in the stories Jesus told.Please love and keep each other, as my Father said to do,for I can't count the blessing or love he has for each of you.So have a Merry Christmas and wipe away that tear,Remember, I'm spending Christmas, with Jesus Christ this year.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My Neighbor sent me this poem in a Christmas Card, it touched my heart so much I really wanted to share. I cried as I read it . Lord I miss John with all my heart.. Below is a bit about The 13 year old who wrote it. God Bless.

~I've recently found out that this poem was written by a 13 year-old boy namedBen for his mom because he knew he would be spending Christmas in Heaven that year.Ben passed away on the 14th December 1997.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

2008-12-03T05:55:00.000-08:00

Our Christmas tree The kids and I put up our tree in the living room not a hard task for most but sad for us. John past away just five days after Christmas last year. We had a pretty relaxed Christmas last year, We had a huge Breakfast here at the house then went to Johns moms for lunch, and went to the movies like we did every year. After the movies we ended up at Buffalo wild wing's and had a great time. This year pulling everything out of the boxes brought back so many memories of past Christmases. I just looked at our very first ornament and held it close. Johns Grandma gave it to us the year we got married 1994. I went to Hobby Lobby and got some new ornaments to hang this time I chose picture frames. This way we can hang picture's of John on our tree. The kids love them. It's really a good idea. Kenzie is really into the Christmas spirit she loved the fact we were getting out our things which makes me very happy. My kids give me strength to get through this and with the power of our lord. Which brings me to another issue I have on Christmas Eve John and I would go to the candle light service at Church I hope I have the strength to attend it this year. It wouldn't be Christmas without that. Just wanted to share some pictures of our house after the kids and I decorated.

The fireplace has to be lit up so Santa can see what he is doing

Here is Kenzie's tree, Jash decided he didn't want to bother with putting up his tree this year he had more important things to do like hanging with his friends. Kenzie loves every minute of it not sure where she gets. ( or maybe I do) She is just like her momma poor girl. I have to say she did a great job making her tree Beautiful.

Christmas tree blues

2008-11-24T06:00:00.001-08:00

It's the week of Thanksgiving, Just in four days family's will be together having turkeys, watching the Dallas Cowboys play football and spending time together all I can think of is what comes next Christmas.
By now lights should be hung on the house and I have notice them going up all over town. I talked to the kids this morning and they said not having lights on the house was ok with them as long as there was a Christmas tree in the house. Every book I have read has said the worst times of the year after a loss of a loved one is Christmas,birthdays, Anniversary's and the year mark of the death. Wow no kidding I'm getting hit with three all in one. Johns birthday is December 16th and then there's Christmas and five days later the year mark of John going to Heaven. The last time I saw John we had our Christmas stuff up. To be honest it's scaring me to even think about looking at our Christmas items. I have always waited to put away our Christmas till after the new year. For some odd reason I put away the Christmas tree in the family room early last year. John was at work that Friday and I had just got everything in the living room put away. John went into the Hospital Saturday Morning and passed away Sunday morning. I have looked back and thought maybe God helped me by telling me to put away the tree early. I have prayed a lot the last few weeks. I really hate being so depressed. I know John is up there telling me to go and enjoy the holiday. Wished it was so simple. I told the kids we would put the tree up this week. Please pray for us. I hate the fact the kids have to see me have a total break down every time I get sad. Jash and Kenzie are so strong wished I could be more like them. They amaze me daily. I'm so very proud to have two wonderful kids. John and I were so blessed when God gave us those two. Please just pray that putting up our tree will be special and we can just look back at all the Christmas's that we had shared. Then again you can just bring me spiked eggnog .

Career day at school

2008-11-22T09:42:00.000-08:00

Yeah! It's the weekend. I live for the weekends these days. I get to stay in with the kids and just spend time with them. This week went by pretty fast. Friday at Mackenzie's school they had Career day. Kenzie asked if she could dress as a doctor. Of course that would make a great career. Kenzie as a heart of gold. She just wants to help everyone and she I bet she will. Awhile back the nurses at Texas Oncology gave Kenzie one of the coats they wear for Halloween it's been about 3 Halloweens now I guess and we still have it. I thought she looked very cute in her doctor clothes. Still cant believe how fast they grow.

Jash since he was about two or three as said he wanted to grow up as a dentist. Not sure where he got that from but he still says it except he went from wanting to be just a dentist to a orthodontics dentist. Say's he is sure they make more money and almost every kid he knows needs braces or has braces. I can believe that Bonham is full of metal mouths. I know both my kids are in them. I know it's too soon for them to really know what they will be when they are older but I know I will sure be proud of them.

There are some days Kenzie wants to be a pop star.. Lord help us....

Last night was a nice night I got to enjoy the company of friends and good food. There was maybe 11 of us who went out to Buffalo Wild Wings and it was nice being in real clothes and having adult conversions. Brande asked how my week was and in till I say it out loud I didn't realize how bad my week sounded. I was only out of my house twice Wednesday and then Friday. I guess you don't realize it till you see the look on people's faces. The worst part is I got nothing really done around the house. Thursday I did clean some carpets and washed the bay windows. How exciting is that. I just don't feel like being out and don't have the money to do a lot of things so I just stay in. Today I have thought about taken down the rest of the Halloween items I still have up and taken down the fall items also. I'm sure my neighbors would be pleased to see the Halloween pumpkins gone before Thanksgiving.. So today I hope to get something done around here but who knows. All in all not a bad week.

family Pictures

2008-11-20T16:35:00.000-08:00

Here are a few pictures of our family.
We started the Relay for life in 2004. I named the team FEARLESS! because thats what John was during his battle with cancer.

These would be some of my favorite pictures of John with the kids. He loved them so very much.

First Blog

2008-11-20T06:23:00.000-08:00

My first Blog, OK it's not the first I have been a myspace blogger and an email junkie for years.
I was reading through my friends blogs and thought this is a good way to speak my mind and allow others to truly under stand what my family has gone through over the years.
Let me start: I lost my husband John 10 months and 20 days ago. John had battled Leukemia for years. Before Leukemia happened to our family things seemed pretty good. John worked for BNSF Railway had become an engineer. We were buying a new home that was bigger than the one we had been living in for nine years. John dreamed of a shop and I dreamed of a bigger kitchen to cook and entertain in. We purchased our new home in September of 2003. Right away John started building his building and I didn't waste any time making sure the Holidays would be spent in our new home. Life was pretty sweet John was working and did his side business's of working on Jeeps and building barns. We couldn't have asked for more.
Come May of 2004 John seemed to be tired all the time and become sick with what we thought was the flu. John didn't like the doctor and never went ,but after a funeral of a friend George Morris. John looked at me and said he would like to go and see our family doctor. So we did right after the services of George. The doctor treated John for what they even thought was the flu but did show some concern for the lower blood counts and said they would keep an eye on them. To make long story shorter John was diagnosed with Leukemia June 2, 2004.
I could tell you all the long story about the years after that date but I'm going to spare you and myself the heartache. I will say John was the amazing one through the years of having to battle his cancer. He showed me just how strong a man can be. There were days I would beg him to slow down, sit down, lay down. Not John you could find him at work, in the shop, Jeeping and oh yes hunting was a must. I know now if John had slowed down he would have died a sooner.
I cant say enough how much I dearly miss him.
This all brings me to today. I still cant believe that we are approaching the year mark of Johns passing. December 30. Up to a month ago I thought I was dealing with things pretty well. I had been enjoying life and having the best friends a girl could ask for thought things were going to be ok. Then school started back up and that was hard because now I see on paper that I'm the only parent, Jash my son filled out papers for his school and listed his dad. I ask Jash why would you list your dad. He then cried and said mom because he is my dad and will always be. wow talk about a hit to the heart. Kenzie is my savior she amazes me daily she writes to her dad and talks about him every second of every day. She notices when I'm depressed and reminds me what John would say and she has it down to the exact words.( Kind've scary.)
With the holidays right around the corner I have found myself in a rut and depressed. I love the holidays but not looking forward to them this year. Life is so different single. You learn what you may have taken for granted before is the things you miss the most when they are gone. Like the lunch dates we often did while the kids were at school, they movies we would go see on Fridays when there was something good to see. I even miss driving around with him to all the metal places and junk yards and following him through Harbor freight for an hour while he looked at tools. Never thought I would miss that one. But I do. I miss the simple things in life that I never really noticed or would have never thought meant what I guess they did. I have also become the person I never thought I would. I stay home and for the most part and would rather not have to get dressed and face the world even now I'm sitting in front of my laptop in Pj bottoms and one of Jash's sweatshirts. I should be up cleaning house and doing something with my day. I have heard myself say whats the point. I know my kids are a good reason But it's now a battle that I'm going through. I cry at a drop of a pin and I hate it. Friends keep giving me advice on what they think I should be doing and what they would do. Really! They still have their husbands. I sit back and listen to my girl friends complain about what their husbands did or didn't do and all it does is make me sad. I would love to have what a few of them have. I also use to complain about John but at the end of the day I still loved him and was thankful for him.
I don't have a hand to hold a body to hug and lips to kiss. I don't have the option of not wanting to cook and asking John to bring something home. When I'm ill I don't get to stay in bed and have someone else take care of the kids. I feel so alone. Not everything is bad don't get me wrong my family and friends have been beside me for the most part. I try to express how I feel to even to them and it's hard. I wake up in the middle of the night and look at the empty side of the bed and it still hurts. I can be driving in my car and a song could come on and I bust out crying. I stand in my kitchen and I realize minutes later I'm still looking out the window I'm waiting to see his truck pulling into the drive. When will this hurt go away? when will my heart heal? I have tried to find ways to help me move on I took off my wedding ring during the summer thought maybe that would help me realize he is truly gone. I have not dated but the thought as crossed my mind and that scares me even more. I wouldn't know how. Where would a 33 year old widow with two kids find a date any how. I promise not sitting in my Pj's in my living room in the middle of the day. I also wonder is it OK to even think about making my self available for dating. John told me more than once that's what he would want except he added he would prefer a man who would never touch me lol John was a kidder.. Then I ask can you have two loves in one life time, John was my best friend can or will I ever be able to get some anything like what I had twice. I would never want to replace John that just cant happen he was a part of my life and will always be in my heart. I know it's all up to God right now I just pray that God will help ease the pain in my heart and in my kids hearts and help us find our path in life. I do have faith and one of my favorite sayings is :Faith is not believing that God can it's knowing that he will. I haven't lost my faith, and I love my God. I'm just a mess and trying to get through a storm with out a paddle.