I guess it's been a while since I have posted. One day I sat here and re read some of my post, I decided real fast my life is pretty depressing, I guess that could be I only seem to want to write when I'm sad or just don't want every post to be sad so I write less.
Regardless here I come with a new post. It's December, the month I seem to dread the most. I'm trying and I mean I'm really trying to just focus on the good and not dreal on the bad. Lets recap this year. I have been Jeeping and been driving Johns Jeep which to me means the world. I feel close to him every time I'm behind the wheel. I couldn't have gotten behind the wheel with out friends helping me and telling me I can. Allen was my spotter and thanks to him I know I can now do it alone. Which puts me on cloud 9. I even was able to do some up grades on the Jeep. I know John is smiling. The kids both started new schools and they are doing great! Jash dropped out of Band and picked up racing. I'm so very proud. His racing career may be coming to a halt due to no funds and no sponsor for him. There is only so much I can do on my own. new tires will cost 500.00 and we need them. plus every race cost and cost. Jash won his division this year and what a accomplishment that was. way to go Jash!!! Kenzie is making good grades and let me say that's it's own accomplishment she tries so hard. Our family grew this year we now have Casper which is a cat and since it was a gift we love him but have learned even the free gifts cost the most but wouldn't trade him. I purchased me a new car this year after I sold the BMW. OK not new but I love it. I bought an Excursion so I can haul my Jeep. Now I'm proud of myself. Yea me... I'm still nervous but excited at the same time and I'm saving money on the deal which is better. I'm so thankful for what I have and what I did have. I have two beautiful, wonderful kids and house full of animals and a roof over our heads. I think about John daily and speak his name even more. Next week Johns birthday will be here and we plan on celebrating. I bought stuff today to make a pineapple upside down cake, I haven't made one in two years. It was Johns favorite he would have been 38. I miss him so much. It's hard when you lose your husband / best friend. John truly knew everything about me and yet still loved me. ;) It will be two years five days after Christmas since I have seen his beautiful face. I still hear his voice that day in my head. He asked me to rub his shoulders and which I did, then I kissed his head told him I loved him and said don't give up you will be fine then i walked back to the waiting room. I still wished I had never listened to that nurse. who cares that visiting hours were over, I should have stayed!!! My dream would be to have some more time if only my life was a movie and things like that could really happen. I often wonder if he could come back even for an hour what would he say. OK I watch way to many movies. Now that I have tears running down my face I may stop and try this again later, Just know we are surviving and hanging on to this life we have received even with all the good and the bad.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Thursday, October 8, 2009
October Rain
Can you believe it's October already? Well I can't and with the month of October here The next two months are the ones I seem to dread the most. The holidays were always my favorite time of the year. December I guess is the worse time for me. In grieve share classes they said any kind of holiday or Anniversary or Birthday will be the hardest to get through. December starts off with Johns Birthday, we spent many of those at Hooters and I made John his pineapple upside down cake. ( his favorite) Kenzie has pointed out I haven't made one since daddy went to Heaven and ask if I would. How can baking a cake be so hard. Just thinking about it makes me cry. Then comes Christmas this will be our second with out him. I'm going to be honest and just say it Totally SUCKS!!!
Then comes the Anniversary of John passing. Oh how I miss him. Two years how can it be. The other night I feel asleep with Johns closet door open and about 1.30am I believe I hear beeping. I woke up and found Johns alarm clock going off in the closet. it was set for that time to remind him to take pills. Can't believe it still goes off after all this time.
I layed in bed and just let it Beep. I layed there and cried because I would have to nudge John to get him up some times.
The last month or so I have noticed my depression getting worse. I'm trying really hard to fight it.I'm just mad I want him back. This wasn't the way it was suppose to be. I miss the stubborn part of John I miss the sweet, loving,Joking around John. .
I'm just being a baby today and needed to vent. I think this weekend the kids and I will visit the cemetery It's been over a month now. Need to check on the flowers and make sure they are still there. also time to make a holiday one. Maybe some day I will have the headstone payed off. The kids and I are wanting to save for a bench or something cool for out there So expensive though. But we want to add a picture of John and I together and the kids.
The kids are growing up so fast, they are both about to pass me in height. I'm 5'8 so you know these kids are going to be tall. They both are doing really well. Kenzie loves Bonham and Jash is doing great at Amarillo High, both of them are on the A B honor roll. So proud of them.
Well I guess I'm done venting I have lots to try and get done today so behind.
Then comes the Anniversary of John passing. Oh how I miss him. Two years how can it be. The other night I feel asleep with Johns closet door open and about 1.30am I believe I hear beeping. I woke up and found Johns alarm clock going off in the closet. it was set for that time to remind him to take pills. Can't believe it still goes off after all this time.
I layed in bed and just let it Beep. I layed there and cried because I would have to nudge John to get him up some times.
The last month or so I have noticed my depression getting worse. I'm trying really hard to fight it.I'm just mad I want him back. This wasn't the way it was suppose to be. I miss the stubborn part of John I miss the sweet, loving,Joking around John. .
I'm just being a baby today and needed to vent. I think this weekend the kids and I will visit the cemetery It's been over a month now. Need to check on the flowers and make sure they are still there. also time to make a holiday one. Maybe some day I will have the headstone payed off. The kids and I are wanting to save for a bench or something cool for out there So expensive though. But we want to add a picture of John and I together and the kids.
The kids are growing up so fast, they are both about to pass me in height. I'm 5'8 so you know these kids are going to be tall. They both are doing really well. Kenzie loves Bonham and Jash is doing great at Amarillo High, both of them are on the A B honor roll. So proud of them.
Well I guess I'm done venting I have lots to try and get done today so behind.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
sad day
Sitting here with knots in my stomach, I want to scream, cry, and throw up. Today I have to say Goodbye. Goodbye to a friend I met during the worst time in our life's. John and I met the Lambersons at BSA on the 6th floor. The nurses had told me about a family going through the same thing as John and I . Same cancer and everything. Would I talk to them the nurse asked. It was Johns second time to be going through Leukemia so they thought us being the same age and all it could help them. I went to Mikkas room and talked to her husband Lance, Mikka didn't want to meet anyone at the time. Later that night Mikka and Lance came to Johns room and we sat and talked. From there a friendship grew.
Strangers brought together in a time of need and sickness. Mikka and I would talk on the phone and when she came to Amarillo we had our lunch dates. Olive garden or Jonnies.. My heart is aching right now as I waste time waiting to drive to Panhandle. I prayed that I could find someone to attend the funeral with me. I'm going alone and right now I feel so very weak.
I hate CANCER I hate what it does to people and their families. Mikka is already missed, I won't get those text messages, or lunch dates no more, She is in Heaven with my love John. God I pray to make it through this day. I just can't bare to lose another friend. I'm adding a picture of Mikka and her Children please pray for their family. Rest in peace my dear friend, I'll miss our friendship.
Strangers brought together in a time of need and sickness. Mikka and I would talk on the phone and when she came to Amarillo we had our lunch dates. Olive garden or Jonnies.. My heart is aching right now as I waste time waiting to drive to Panhandle. I prayed that I could find someone to attend the funeral with me. I'm going alone and right now I feel so very weak.
I hate CANCER I hate what it does to people and their families. Mikka is already missed, I won't get those text messages, or lunch dates no more, She is in Heaven with my love John. God I pray to make it through this day. I just can't bare to lose another friend. I'm adding a picture of Mikka and her Children please pray for their family. Rest in peace my dear friend, I'll miss our friendship.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Proud of my kids
School has started and I feel like I'm in a race every day to get things done.Races are still going but will soon be over for the season. Jash has already Won the championship for cage carts and he is now racing his Midget so next season he won't be a rookie. I'm so very proud of him. He may after all have both of his parents in him. Guess the nick name Fearless will continue in him. He said he sure wished High school had a class like racing because it would be an easy A.
This Friday night I'm getting to drive a Midget in the powder puff race.. Never have driven one but I'll give it my best.
Kenzie is loving Middle school not sure if it's not because of all the boys. Man oh man she is boy crazy. Kenzie has such a sweet heart my sweet angel always seems to know just what to say to make me smile. She asked me the other day if there is a day where I don't cry. I'm sure there are those days but the other days I guess out weigh them.
I allowed someone to hurt us, I can handle my feelings being hurt but don't hurt my kids. How some people CAN be so immature in their 30's and not have the ( balls) or maturity just to be true.
I have some of the nicest friends you could ever have. They keep me going, Maybe I don't tell them enough just how much they all mean to me and just how thankful I am to have them and for all they do. It's like when you love someone so much do you tell them has much as you should. John would say momma you should know I love ya I'm here aren't I. That was just John. I pray he knew just how much I loved him and still do. I like to sit and reread my mothers day card he wrote me one year while in the hospital he asked the nurse for crayons and paper. lol and it was by far the BEST card he ever gave me and I keep it in a frame in out bedroom. My point I guess is we may not tell our friends enough what they really mean to us and I guess we all should and it needs to go both ways.
Well of course I'm still Jeeping. I'm even working on improvements on the orange Jeep. Every time I do something cool or new to it. It makes me feel better because I know John would just sit back and smile..I love the new stickers I put on it. thanks to Donnie who gave them to me, I LOVE THEM AND SO happy to have them thanks Donnie. Take a look..
It's on both sides of the Jeep way cool!!!!!! Well I'm getting off here so maybe I can clean this pig pen we live in, I'm not sure my house has ever been this bad. Geez!!! Keep praying for my dear friend Mikka. Please pray for the Larson family sheila lost the battle with Cancer Sunday she is now healed not in any pain, and is a beautiful angel in Heaven. Like always tell the ones you love just how much you love them. God Bless Renea
This Friday night I'm getting to drive a Midget in the powder puff race.. Never have driven one but I'll give it my best.
Kenzie is loving Middle school not sure if it's not because of all the boys. Man oh man she is boy crazy. Kenzie has such a sweet heart my sweet angel always seems to know just what to say to make me smile. She asked me the other day if there is a day where I don't cry. I'm sure there are those days but the other days I guess out weigh them.
I allowed someone to hurt us, I can handle my feelings being hurt but don't hurt my kids. How some people CAN be so immature in their 30's and not have the ( balls) or maturity just to be true.
I have some of the nicest friends you could ever have. They keep me going, Maybe I don't tell them enough just how much they all mean to me and just how thankful I am to have them and for all they do. It's like when you love someone so much do you tell them has much as you should. John would say momma you should know I love ya I'm here aren't I. That was just John. I pray he knew just how much I loved him and still do. I like to sit and reread my mothers day card he wrote me one year while in the hospital he asked the nurse for crayons and paper. lol and it was by far the BEST card he ever gave me and I keep it in a frame in out bedroom. My point I guess is we may not tell our friends enough what they really mean to us and I guess we all should and it needs to go both ways.
Well of course I'm still Jeeping. I'm even working on improvements on the orange Jeep. Every time I do something cool or new to it. It makes me feel better because I know John would just sit back and smile..I love the new stickers I put on it. thanks to Donnie who gave them to me, I LOVE THEM AND SO happy to have them thanks Donnie. Take a look..
It's on both sides of the Jeep way cool!!!!!! Well I'm getting off here so maybe I can clean this pig pen we live in, I'm not sure my house has ever been this bad. Geez!!! Keep praying for my dear friend Mikka. Please pray for the Larson family sheila lost the battle with Cancer Sunday she is now healed not in any pain, and is a beautiful angel in Heaven. Like always tell the ones you love just how much you love them. God Bless Renea
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
needing life to slow down
I sure wish life would slow down so we could enjoy it more. Lets see where to start. Jash got hurt at his last race and we ended up spending a whole night in the ER so he could get stitches, which is now known for the bragging rights for Jash. It so must be a boy thing.. But because of the nights events I had to call the garage sale off for lack of sleep.
Kenzie and I learned she aced her Taks tests with high scores by only missing one question. I'm so very proud of her. Saturday night Jimmy and I along with several friends went and watched the shark fights. I have to say that was sure an eventful evening, lol ;)
Last night Kenzie and I went to the cemetery to clean up flowers not only for John but we walk around and if someone Else's have blown over we put them back for them. It really makes us feel good. Then we headed to Camp Alfie. Camp Alfie is a camp for Children who have had Cancer. Every year we go and we cook for the kids and then give them Jeep rides. I had the same little boy from last year wanting to ride with me. He asked if I remembered him and of course I said yes and I really did too. I was really excited that Jordan rode with me this year, she is a little girl from kenzie's school who has had the same Leukemia has John. Matter of fact I have talked about her in my blogs before, Her mother passed away last May to cancer then little Jordan was diagnosed two months later. Her family has really touched my heart..
I would like to volunteer more for activities like this one.,
Maybe because the CANCER ones are so close to home for me and heavy on my heart.
Which brings me to needing my prayer warriors again. My dear friend Mikka is still not doing very well she fears she may never get to remission again. She told me she is just learning to live with the fact she may not be here much longer. please pray for her. Her and Lance together have six children. oh yes six. I always laugh and say your the Brady bunch except they only have one girl. Mikka told me John would be proud of me, see John also knew he would be leaving us behind and told us to move on and be happy, and let me tell you its not as easy has it may seem. John meant the world to me and often I wish it would have been me. I miss him every day. I'm still fighting my depression and some days are great and other are just bad. Maybe because I have found my self in a relationship. I have not dated since the age of 17 when I met John and Married at 18. Now there are kids involved . It's just a scary thing to me. I dont want to be hurt and I sure don't want my kids hurt. None of us deserve that. But I have let my shield down. So it's in Gods hands.
My second prayer is for Sheila Larson, they have moved her to hospice please pray for her and her family along with all her many friends who love her.
Pray for healing...
It's a beautiful day today the high is only 78 woo hoo. I think I'm going to clean up around the house then go for a Run.. Have a blessed week everyone. Don't forget to tell your loved ones you love them
Kenzie and I learned she aced her Taks tests with high scores by only missing one question. I'm so very proud of her. Saturday night Jimmy and I along with several friends went and watched the shark fights. I have to say that was sure an eventful evening, lol ;)
Last night Kenzie and I went to the cemetery to clean up flowers not only for John but we walk around and if someone Else's have blown over we put them back for them. It really makes us feel good. Then we headed to Camp Alfie. Camp Alfie is a camp for Children who have had Cancer. Every year we go and we cook for the kids and then give them Jeep rides. I had the same little boy from last year wanting to ride with me. He asked if I remembered him and of course I said yes and I really did too. I was really excited that Jordan rode with me this year, she is a little girl from kenzie's school who has had the same Leukemia has John. Matter of fact I have talked about her in my blogs before, Her mother passed away last May to cancer then little Jordan was diagnosed two months later. Her family has really touched my heart..
I would like to volunteer more for activities like this one.,
Maybe because the CANCER ones are so close to home for me and heavy on my heart.
Which brings me to needing my prayer warriors again. My dear friend Mikka is still not doing very well she fears she may never get to remission again. She told me she is just learning to live with the fact she may not be here much longer. please pray for her. Her and Lance together have six children. oh yes six. I always laugh and say your the Brady bunch except they only have one girl. Mikka told me John would be proud of me, see John also knew he would be leaving us behind and told us to move on and be happy, and let me tell you its not as easy has it may seem. John meant the world to me and often I wish it would have been me. I miss him every day. I'm still fighting my depression and some days are great and other are just bad. Maybe because I have found my self in a relationship. I have not dated since the age of 17 when I met John and Married at 18. Now there are kids involved . It's just a scary thing to me. I dont want to be hurt and I sure don't want my kids hurt. None of us deserve that. But I have let my shield down. So it's in Gods hands.
My second prayer is for Sheila Larson, they have moved her to hospice please pray for her and her family along with all her many friends who love her.
Pray for healing...
It's a beautiful day today the high is only 78 woo hoo. I think I'm going to clean up around the house then go for a Run.. Have a blessed week everyone. Don't forget to tell your loved ones you love them
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Happy 4th of July
Hey guys, First I would like to say thanks for all the support I have received from each of you. The kind words and encouragement has been very uplifting.
God has truly blessed me with wonderful people in my life. Today Kenzie is in Dallas with her Nana, and Papa seeing my sister. We are done with summer school and so very excited about that. She is such a wonderful kid. the past years have really been hard on her. Glad she is out having some fun. Just got done with my garage sale yesterday, well not just mine, it was everyone I guess. lol Chris and Lisa, April , Clint, Jimmy's and mine all together there was over 1000.00 made not bad for a one day sale. We must be crazy because we plan on having another this next week. I cant believe how much stuff I have to sell.
My nephew said I just may have a shopping problem lol..
Not sure what our plans are today Only have Jash. Been invited to several places so it makes it hard to choice. I received a message on here the other day from a person who wants to talk and I will be more than happy to visit with you. wasn't sure how to contact you. Not through here any ways.. Send me a message . I hope all my friends have a blessed 4th be safe and have lots of fun. To Clint and April Happy Anniversary love you guys.
God has truly blessed me with wonderful people in my life. Today Kenzie is in Dallas with her Nana, and Papa seeing my sister. We are done with summer school and so very excited about that. She is such a wonderful kid. the past years have really been hard on her. Glad she is out having some fun. Just got done with my garage sale yesterday, well not just mine, it was everyone I guess. lol Chris and Lisa, April , Clint, Jimmy's and mine all together there was over 1000.00 made not bad for a one day sale. We must be crazy because we plan on having another this next week. I cant believe how much stuff I have to sell.
My nephew said I just may have a shopping problem lol..
Not sure what our plans are today Only have Jash. Been invited to several places so it makes it hard to choice. I received a message on here the other day from a person who wants to talk and I will be more than happy to visit with you. wasn't sure how to contact you. Not through here any ways.. Send me a message . I hope all my friends have a blessed 4th be safe and have lots of fun. To Clint and April Happy Anniversary love you guys.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Movie Quotes
While doing a survey with friends we were asked about our favorite quotes from movies. So I thought I would share with you all. The one from Hope Floats is so very true. I remember being scared before I got married to John and even though we had our ups and downs the middle was the best part of my life so far. I wouldn't want to change one thing. and yes the end is very sad..
Now I find my self not sure where I am. I'm not in the Beginning of anything except I have these two wonderful kids and their Beginnings are still yet to come. I hope they both find there one true love and live a life of happiness, Then there's the quote from the Notebook. it's not easy and you do have to work at having a happy life. But man it's worth it.
Beginnings are scary. Endings are usually sad, but it's what's in the middle that counts. So, when you find yourself at the beginning, just give hope a chance to float up. And it will.
Now I find my self not sure where I am. I'm not in the Beginning of anything except I have these two wonderful kids and their Beginnings are still yet to come. I hope they both find there one true love and live a life of happiness, Then there's the quote from the Notebook. it's not easy and you do have to work at having a happy life. But man it's worth it.
Beginnings are scary. Endings are usually sad, but it's what's in the middle that counts. So, when you find yourself at the beginning, just give hope a chance to float up. And it will.
- From the movie Hope Floats
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