October Rain

Can you believe it's October already? Well I can't and with the month of October here The next two months are the ones I seem to dread the most. The holidays were always my favorite time of the year. December I guess is the worse time for me. In grieve share classes they said any kind of holiday or Anniversary or Birthday will be the hardest to get through. December starts off with Johns Birthday, we spent many of those at Hooters and I made John his pineapple upside down cake. ( his favorite) Kenzie has pointed out I haven't made one since daddy went to Heaven and ask if I would. How can baking a cake be so hard. Just thinking about it makes me cry. Then comes Christmas this will be our second with out him. I'm going to be honest and just say it Totally SUCKS!!!
Then comes the Anniversary of John passing. Oh how I miss him. Two years how can it be. The other night I feel asleep with Johns closet door open and about 1.30am I believe I hear beeping. I woke up and found Johns alarm clock going off in the closet. it was set for that time to remind him to take pills. Can't believe it still goes off after all this time.
I layed in bed and just let it Beep. I layed there and cried because I would have to nudge John to get him up some times.
The last month or so I have noticed my depression getting worse. I'm trying really hard to fight it.I'm just mad I want him back. This wasn't the way it was suppose to be. I miss the stubborn part of John I miss the sweet, loving,Joking around John. .
I'm just being a baby today and needed to vent. I think this weekend the kids and I will visit the cemetery It's been over a month now. Need to check on the flowers and make sure they are still there. also time to make a holiday one. Maybe some day I will have the headstone payed off. The kids and I are wanting to save for a bench or something cool for out there So expensive though. But we want to add a picture of John and I together and the kids.
The kids are growing up so fast, they are both about to pass me in height. I'm 5'8 so you know these kids are going to be tall. They both are doing really well. Kenzie loves Bonham and Jash is doing great at Amarillo High, both of them are on the A B honor roll. So proud of them.
Well I guess I'm done venting I have lots to try and get done today so behind.