Good weekend.

This was a very relaxing weekend. I got nothing done though. NOTHING!! I did make cookies with the kids, watch movies with the kids. You know the chores aren't going any where but the kids will. Not today or tomorrow but in a few years they will be going to College. wow. That makes me sad.
So for today I will try to spend time with them. I tried to figure out which pictures to take to Grief Share tomorrow night and finsh up my homework for class. It's not hard just supose to help me under stand my grief.
Or how to help me grief. I have been through different stages of grief and I think I have gone through some stages more than once. I'm trying to set my goals. One goal is to get things out for someone else. I'm thinking if I can do it quickly like pulling off a bandaid I can get it over with. But some things are harder then they may seem to others. But we will see. But the weekend is over and it turned out pretty good. kids had sleep overs and Jash went to one. I was able to sit and talk with them. I'm one lucky mom to have such wonderful kids. God sure did know what he was doing by giving me John. and giving us two beautiful children. I missed John a lot this weekend. I could hear him saying told you so over some other things that happened this weekend and He would have loved the big breakfast I cooked today but instead of a movie we would have watched Spike Tv, then a movie. I miss so many things but sitting here remebering those things put a smile on my face.
I was so blessed. I know there is going to be many more blessings in my life.
Tonight I'm thanking God for the time we spent together. ( I miss you)
Tomorrow is going to be huge Jash goes to the ortho appointment and the are removing the thing in his mouth that as been moving his jaw for the last two years. He is so excited YEA!!!!

Forgiveness

For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.
—Matthew 6:14-15


I just wanted to add I have forgave the ones who have been telling people I have been dating, I just wished people would have asked me first and I thank those that did..
I have no idea what is in my future or who will be in my future. It seems my leaving out names you find out several people will assume it is about them. I never intended my blogs to hurt people they are a way for me to open up.





If you try to reach inside of your heart you can find forgiveness, or at least the start And from that place where you can forgive is where Hope, and Love, also thrive and live
And with each step that you try to take and with that chance that your heart might break Comes so much happiness, and so much strength which Alone can carry you a fantastic length
For hate and anger will not get you there and though you say that you just don't care You can EASILY avoid the pain on which hate feeds . . . the kind of hurt that No one needs
Just make the move, take that first stride let go of the thing known as "Foolish Pride" Maybe then you can start to repair the past into something strong, that will mend, and last!

(c)Barry S. Maltese2000

Week one during grief share

OK so many things have happened since my last post. I started a Grief Share class at Hillside Christan Church. Going into the class I had NO idea what to expect. or what I was hoping to get out of these classes. I'm a Christian and know people die, I know Christians will go to Heaven. I know we will see them again some day. But while we wait it's the worst pain I have ever felt. I feel horrible that I ever prayed for God to take John. I just wanted him to be healed from his pain. I know that John is in a better place and yes that gives me a great feeling. I know I'm not alone and others have had to grief for for John, and everyone does it different. But he was my best friend,my Husband,the father of my children, he was a lunch date, he was the one I would tell all and ask all. I have loss so much. The pain isn't a pain I can explain. I will attend these classes every Monday I just hope the emotional strain that I felt afterwards gets better. Few of my friends have known the stresses at home, the sleepless nights, the not being able to clean out closets (Johns) and the mornings I wake up and realize he is gone. Even after a year it at times doesn't feel real. I have talked with other widows and one thing some have said is to change little things to make them more mine. It's not erasing John. So my bedroom as been on of the hardest areas to be in and not hurt so badly. So I thought I would change it. It was actually on the list of things to do before John died. Matter of fact we asked the family that Christmas for gift cards to Lowe's I wanted to redo bathrooms and our bedroom. It's just taken me a bit longer. We had these 70's decorative poles going into the bathroom area that I always hated and wanted to have John remove and he never got around to it. So guess what I took a hammer and beat them out.

I was so excited that I was able to do it. I filled in the holes and then sanded it to make it smooth. YEA me. Here is a before and after. well more of a during and after.

Then I muded the walls. This is where the break down came into play. while I was muding I just started to cry. Not just a little bit like falling to the ground and bawling me eyes out. It could be it was 2.30am and I was tired. But I was pissed. I was pissed that John wasn't here That I couldn't share with him what I was doing. John wouldn't have been helping but I couldn't show him. John over the years got use to me redoing something in our home it's what I did.

He didn't mind it, he said because I never asked him to help. But afterwards I would expect to hear what he thought. I always tried to make everyone happy. I love how my room as turned out but sad at the same time.

Some day I will be able to clean out things, and it should be on my own time and not rushed by others. I'm kinda a pack rat and hate to discard anything. For some odd reason everything as a sentimental value to me even the things I would have hated before now have a different meaning. I have noticed my kids and I are a lot alike on this. Poor kids the one thing the got from me.

Please pray for my kids, I worry about them I have no idea what it is like to not have both parents.

I pray for you,I have asked our father to comfort all my friends and family with what ever troubles they may have, I also thank God for what I do have. God blessed me with a wonderful love through John and gave me wonderful kids ,family and friends I will cherish for ever.

(this means all family )

Just wanted to add if there is something you would like to know or think you know about me please ask me, One thing I have learned rumors can be funny,they can be hurtful, and they are most of the time just plain wrong or lies. What makes me more pissed off is when a family member spreads rumors that are untrue and unfair. It just shows that some people just really don't know you for who you are. Just to set all records straight and to get this off my chest I have not dated ANYONE! Not that it would be any one's business but don't tell people I am when I'm not you know who you are. Hope everyone as a great weekend.

Saturday is over

It was a busy weekend, Saturday morning I was in the shower by 6.30am to get ready for Bobby Dales funeral. My stomach and I weren't doing so well. I have a nervous stomach and any time I'm stressed out it just about kills me and I wonder why after John died I got an ulcer.
I left for the funeral by 9.00 am to go pick up Brandon Kings kids, Brandon rode his Harley. I worry about him also that makes two friends in a years time to have lose. I took my camera because I knew there would be lots of bikes and there was. I'm going to say 70.

Bobby Dale would have been so touched. It's kind've like at Johns Funeral and we had all the Jeeps except a lot of the Jeeps couldn't come because so many aren't street legal. Tina also did a slide show and like always I think that's the better thing to do at funerals these days. It really shows what the person was like. She also picked some of the same songs I did. I have to say my heart was hurting but I could just see Bobby Dale and John together. Maybe watching the service. I miss him more and more everyday. After the funeral I had a bridal Shower, I still had my kids but was still going even knowing I couldn't stay long. I didn't take the invention with me but knew it was at Trinity. WRONG! So when I showed up at Trinity fellowship out by Randall guess what No bridal shower they were all at Trinity Baptist. So I'm a big idiot and missed Jennifer's Bridal shower. Now I feel bad. Then it was off to the river to meet up with the Jeep club for the Christmas tree burning. Let me tell you that's a lot of emotions for one day. sick,sad, lost, excited, happy, cold, and then tired. It was a good way to end a sad day.

We all bundled up and stood by the fire Let me say wearing carhartt's can make you look 100% bigger, but we were warm. This is a picture of Brande, Roxanne, and myself.. I love each of my friends. I think I smiled all night. I'm ready for a new week, and hope full it will be a better week.

Venting,

Last night was another night of tossing and Turing. I can't seem to get my mind to slow down. I was hurt yesterday over a comment I read. I know we all say things that sometimes we don't mean and words some times come out wrong. I won't get into what was said but it was by a family member. I wanted to call and ask them what they meant by their comment.
Then I realized that something bad would come from it. I'm very sensitive and emotional at times I know. That's why for the most part I have kept my mouth closed on how I really feel.
I thanked God last night for my friends they truly have been there and have seen the pain I have felt. They have help me in ways others should have and didn't.
I also must add that over the last year I have become closer to my mom I know she would always be there for me and she would help more if she could. My parents all four of them have been great during this last year.
They also loved John and have helped me honor his name and keep him alive in our hearts. Just venting I guess today..
Now to ask for prayer request:::::
1.) Pray for the Johnson family we are saying our final goodbyes tomorrow to Bobby Dale
2.) Pray for the Rodman family who lost their brother this week and saying their Goodbyes today.
3.) Pray for my dear friend Mikka, She also has had the same Leukemia as John, Pray for healing for her.
4.) Pray for the Owens family who's son also has cancer and doing a trail drug pray for a cure.
5.) Pray for Jordon a little girl at Kenzie's school who just had a transplant thanks to her sister.
6.) Pray for the Lowrey family who just lost their Uncle.
7.) Pray for my family my kids have been hurting way to long.
I hope I didn't leave anyone out so just pray for everyone. Thank God for the blessings we do have. You never know tomorrow may be to late.

Just a bad Morning

I woke up this morning like I do most mornings. I looked around the house and I still have my Christmas boxes out that need to go to the shed. I had dishes in the sink because my dishwasher has been broke for weeks. Kids didn't want to get up and I was moving slow. Pulled up to get Campbell Jash's friend for school and couldn't get a hold of him. So I took my kids to school. When I pulled up at Bonham it hit me It's Wednesday and they don't go to school till 8.40am so my son was an hour early and that explains why Campbell wasn't answering my call.
So I drove back home with Jash and now we are waiting for the right time to leave.
I feel like I have been off my routine way too long.
But how do you get back on routine when everything is so different. I know it's been a year since John passed away but too me I can still seed things the same. I really hate all this. My life was all about my family and John. We worked around his schedule. We cooked dinner when it was better for him. I cleaned when it was better for him. He worked for the Rail road so if he had just gotten off work early morning's I couldn't be vacuuming.
I'm still LOST!!! I don't know where I belong or what I should be doing. I take care of my kids but I know all the changes have to be hard on them too. I have been real depressed lately and maybe that's because we lost Bobby Dale and it's brought back all the memories of last year at this time. I signed up for some grieve share classes at Hillside Christian that should be starting real soon. I sure pray it helps me some. I miss John every day. This morning I wanted to call him and ask when would he be home. I haven't done that in a while. Sad part is it felt so real like he would be coming home. I could really use one of his smart ass remarks followed by one of his hugs. Just missing him more and more.

Reliving the pain ( RIP)

It's been awhile since I have posted in my Blog and so many things have happened. Christmas was ok it wasn't anything that I have been use to in past years. I went to South Georgia's Church on Christmas Eve and it was a nice service wasn't what I thought I was going to it wasn't a candle light service but still very nice. It's all about celebrating Christ any how.. I cant say enough how thankful I truly am for the blessings in my life. I also came to realize just how lonely I am. Some people like being single and maybe were meant to be just that. I don't believe I am one of those people.
But the idea of being with someone else scares me. The year anniversary of Johns death has come and gone and a new year. On the year mark of Johns death Johns friend Bobby Dale was put into Hospice. The kids and I had gone to the cemetery to say a prayer in which we had included Bobby Dale to that prayer and an hour later Tina called to tell me that Bobby was put in to Hospice. It brought back so many memory's of last year. Then on January 3rd the anniversary of the day we put John to rest Bobby Dale went to Heaven and the bitter sweet part is that I could see in my heart them together and Tina feeling the same pain I felt when John passed away. It's truly like reliving the pain once again.


The pictures I am posting are of Bobby Dale,Tina and my best friend Kelly. The pictures were taken during Johns Funeral 1-03-08. The first picture Bobby Dale is asking me to get into the picture. My first thought was I didn't need to be in a picture I felt like crap and my looks proved that. I said last year that date was the worst day of my life.
Till you have to put the love of your life in the ground,and you know you will never get to see them, hold them.or talk to them. I cant explain the pain that brings.
I know John loved me and it was unconditional. It makes my heart ache. I'm not sure I will ever

have that kind of love back in my life. I know God gave me John and I'm thankful. I would never want to change the life we shared.
Even knowing what would happen.
We had the John Collins Memorial run at the river on the 1st and it was so much fun. I hope John would have been proud of me.
I can honestly say I love to be out on the trails.
Sitting here tonight I cant help but wonder how Tina is holding up. I was over there last night and she seemed to be doing pretty well. But I know deep down her heart is broken and then it will hit her that he is gone.
It didn't hit me right away either. It now hits me everyday. I hope I can be there for Tina maybe we can help each other during this. I'm glad Bobby Dale isn't in pain any longer. I'm just sad that he had to go..
I hope everyone realizes how short life is. We all take way to much for granted. Love the ones you have cherish the moments you share, Tonight I pray for Tina... May God heal her pain.