December

I guess it's been a while since I have posted. One day I sat here and re read some of my post, I decided real fast my life is pretty depressing, I guess that could be I only seem to want to write when I'm sad or just don't want every post to be sad so I write less.
Regardless here I come with a new post. It's December, the month I seem to dread the most. I'm trying and I mean I'm really trying to just focus on the good and not dreal on the bad. Lets recap this year. I have been Jeeping and been driving Johns Jeep which to me means the world. I feel close to him every time I'm behind the wheel. I couldn't have gotten behind the wheel with out friends helping me and telling me I can. Allen was my spotter and thanks to him I know I can now do it alone. Which puts me on cloud 9. I even was able to do some up grades on the Jeep. I know John is smiling. The kids both started new schools and they are doing great! Jash dropped out of Band and picked up racing. I'm so very proud. His racing career may be coming to a halt due to no funds and no sponsor for him. There is only so much I can do on my own. new tires will cost 500.00 and we need them. plus every race cost and cost. Jash won his division this year and what a accomplishment that was. way to go Jash!!! Kenzie is making good grades and let me say that's it's own accomplishment she tries so hard. Our family grew this year we now have Casper which is a cat and since it was a gift we love him but have learned even the free gifts cost the most but wouldn't trade him. I purchased me a new car this year after I sold the BMW. OK not new but I love it. I bought an Excursion so I can haul my Jeep. Now I'm proud of myself. Yea me... I'm still nervous but excited at the same time and I'm saving money on the deal which is better. I'm so thankful for what I have and what I did have. I have two beautiful, wonderful kids and house full of animals and a roof over our heads. I think about John daily and speak his name even more. Next week Johns birthday will be here and we plan on celebrating. I bought stuff today to make a pineapple upside down cake, I haven't made one in two years. It was Johns favorite he would have been 38. I miss him so much. It's hard when you lose your husband / best friend. John truly knew everything about me and yet still loved me. ;) It will be two years five days after Christmas since I have seen his beautiful face. I still hear his voice that day in my head. He asked me to rub his shoulders and which I did, then I kissed his head told him I loved him and said don't give up you will be fine then i walked back to the waiting room. I still wished I had never listened to that nurse. who cares that visiting hours were over, I should have stayed!!! My dream would be to have some more time if only my life was a movie and things like that could really happen. I often wonder if he could come back even for an hour what would he say. OK I watch way to many movies. Now that I have tears running down my face I may stop and try this again later, Just know we are surviving and hanging on to this life we have received even with all the good and the bad.