Christmas tree blues

It's the week of Thanksgiving, Just in four days family's will be together having turkeys, watching the Dallas Cowboys play football and spending time together all I can think of is what comes next Christmas.
By now lights should be hung on the house and I have notice them going up all over town. I talked to the kids this morning and they said not having lights on the house was ok with them as long as there was a Christmas tree in the house. Every book I have read has said the worst times of the year after a loss of a loved one is Christmas,birthdays, Anniversary's and the year mark of the death. Wow no kidding I'm getting hit with three all in one. Johns birthday is December 16th and then there's Christmas and five days later the year mark of John going to Heaven. The last time I saw John we had our Christmas stuff up. To be honest it's scaring me to even think about looking at our Christmas items. I have always waited to put away our Christmas till after the new year. For some odd reason I put away the Christmas tree in the family room early last year. John was at work that Friday and I had just got everything in the living room put away. John went into the Hospital Saturday Morning and passed away Sunday morning. I have looked back and thought maybe God helped me by telling me to put away the tree early. I have prayed a lot the last few weeks. I really hate being so depressed. I know John is up there telling me to go and enjoy the holiday. Wished it was so simple. I told the kids we would put the tree up this week. Please pray for us. I hate the fact the kids have to see me have a total break down every time I get sad. Jash and Kenzie are so strong wished I could be more like them. They amaze me daily. I'm so very proud to have two wonderful kids. John and I were so blessed when God gave us those two. Please just pray that putting up our tree will be special and we can just look back at all the Christmas's that we had shared. Then again you can just bring me spiked eggnog .

Career day at school

Yeah! It's the weekend. I live for the weekends these days. I get to stay in with the kids and just spend time with them. This week went by pretty fast. Friday at Mackenzie's school they had Career day. Kenzie asked if she could dress as a doctor. Of course that would make a great career. Kenzie as a heart of gold. She just wants to help everyone and she I bet she will. Awhile back the nurses at Texas Oncology gave Kenzie one of the coats they wear for Halloween it's been about 3 Halloweens now I guess and we still have it. I thought she looked very cute in her doctor clothes. Still cant believe how fast they grow.

Jash since he was about two or three as said he wanted to grow up as a dentist. Not sure where he got that from but he still says it except he went from wanting to be just a dentist to a orthodontics dentist. Say's he is sure they make more money and almost every kid he knows needs braces or has braces. I can believe that Bonham is full of metal mouths. I know both my kids are in them. I know it's too soon for them to really know what they will be when they are older but I know I will sure be proud of them.

There are some days Kenzie wants to be a pop star.. Lord help us....

Last night was a nice night I got to enjoy the company of friends and good food. There was maybe 11 of us who went out to Buffalo Wild Wings and it was nice being in real clothes and having adult conversions. Brande asked how my week was and in till I say it out loud I didn't realize how bad my week sounded. I was only out of my house twice Wednesday and then Friday. I guess you don't realize it till you see the look on people's faces. The worst part is I got nothing really done around the house. Thursday I did clean some carpets and washed the bay windows. How exciting is that. I just don't feel like being out and don't have the money to do a lot of things so I just stay in. Today I have thought about taken down the rest of the Halloween items I still have up and taken down the fall items also. I'm sure my neighbors would be pleased to see the Halloween pumpkins gone before Thanksgiving.. So today I hope to get something done around here but who knows. All in all not a bad week.

family Pictures

Here are a few pictures of our family.
We started the Relay for life in 2004. I named the team FEARLESS! because thats what John was during his battle with cancer.

These would be some of my favorite pictures of John with the kids. He loved them so very much.

First Blog

My first Blog, OK it's not the first I have been a myspace blogger and an email junkie for years.
I was reading through my friends blogs and thought this is a good way to speak my mind and allow others to truly under stand what my family has gone through over the years.
Let me start: I lost my husband John 10 months and 20 days ago. John had battled Leukemia for years. Before Leukemia happened to our family things seemed pretty good. John worked for BNSF Railway had become an engineer. We were buying a new home that was bigger than the one we had been living in for nine years. John dreamed of a shop and I dreamed of a bigger kitchen to cook and entertain in. We purchased our new home in September of 2003. Right away John started building his building and I didn't waste any time making sure the Holidays would be spent in our new home. Life was pretty sweet John was working and did his side business's of working on Jeeps and building barns. We couldn't have asked for more.
Come May of 2004 John seemed to be tired all the time and become sick with what we thought was the flu. John didn't like the doctor and never went ,but after a funeral of a friend George Morris. John looked at me and said he would like to go and see our family doctor. So we did right after the services of George. The doctor treated John for what they even thought was the flu but did show some concern for the lower blood counts and said they would keep an eye on them. To make long story shorter John was diagnosed with Leukemia June 2, 2004.
I could tell you all the long story about the years after that date but I'm going to spare you and myself the heartache. I will say John was the amazing one through the years of having to battle his cancer. He showed me just how strong a man can be. There were days I would beg him to slow down, sit down, lay down. Not John you could find him at work, in the shop, Jeeping and oh yes hunting was a must. I know now if John had slowed down he would have died a sooner.
I cant say enough how much I dearly miss him.
This all brings me to today. I still cant believe that we are approaching the year mark of Johns passing. December 30. Up to a month ago I thought I was dealing with things pretty well. I had been enjoying life and having the best friends a girl could ask for thought things were going to be ok. Then school started back up and that was hard because now I see on paper that I'm the only parent, Jash my son filled out papers for his school and listed his dad. I ask Jash why would you list your dad. He then cried and said mom because he is my dad and will always be. wow talk about a hit to the heart. Kenzie is my savior she amazes me daily she writes to her dad and talks about him every second of every day. She notices when I'm depressed and reminds me what John would say and she has it down to the exact words.( Kind've scary.)
With the holidays right around the corner I have found myself in a rut and depressed. I love the holidays but not looking forward to them this year. Life is so different single. You learn what you may have taken for granted before is the things you miss the most when they are gone. Like the lunch dates we often did while the kids were at school, they movies we would go see on Fridays when there was something good to see. I even miss driving around with him to all the metal places and junk yards and following him through Harbor freight for an hour while he looked at tools. Never thought I would miss that one. But I do. I miss the simple things in life that I never really noticed or would have never thought meant what I guess they did. I have also become the person I never thought I would. I stay home and for the most part and would rather not have to get dressed and face the world even now I'm sitting in front of my laptop in Pj bottoms and one of Jash's sweatshirts. I should be up cleaning house and doing something with my day. I have heard myself say whats the point. I know my kids are a good reason But it's now a battle that I'm going through. I cry at a drop of a pin and I hate it. Friends keep giving me advice on what they think I should be doing and what they would do. Really! They still have their husbands. I sit back and listen to my girl friends complain about what their husbands did or didn't do and all it does is make me sad. I would love to have what a few of them have. I also use to complain about John but at the end of the day I still loved him and was thankful for him.
I don't have a hand to hold a body to hug and lips to kiss. I don't have the option of not wanting to cook and asking John to bring something home. When I'm ill I don't get to stay in bed and have someone else take care of the kids. I feel so alone. Not everything is bad don't get me wrong my family and friends have been beside me for the most part. I try to express how I feel to even to them and it's hard. I wake up in the middle of the night and look at the empty side of the bed and it still hurts. I can be driving in my car and a song could come on and I bust out crying. I stand in my kitchen and I realize minutes later I'm still looking out the window I'm waiting to see his truck pulling into the drive. When will this hurt go away? when will my heart heal? I have tried to find ways to help me move on I took off my wedding ring during the summer thought maybe that would help me realize he is truly gone. I have not dated but the thought as crossed my mind and that scares me even more. I wouldn't know how. Where would a 33 year old widow with two kids find a date any how. I promise not sitting in my Pj's in my living room in the middle of the day. I also wonder is it OK to even think about making my self available for dating. John told me more than once that's what he would want except he added he would prefer a man who would never touch me lol John was a kidder.. Then I ask can you have two loves in one life time, John was my best friend can or will I ever be able to get some anything like what I had twice. I would never want to replace John that just cant happen he was a part of my life and will always be in my heart. I know it's all up to God right now I just pray that God will help ease the pain in my heart and in my kids hearts and help us find our path in life. I do have faith and one of my favorite sayings is :Faith is not believing that God can it's knowing that he will. I haven't lost my faith, and I love my God. I'm just a mess and trying to get through a storm with out a paddle.