My first Blog, OK it's not the first I have been a myspace blogger and an email junkie for years.
I was reading through my friends blogs and thought this is a good way to speak my mind and allow others to truly under stand what my family has gone through over the years.
Let me start: I lost my husband John 10 months and 20 days ago. John had battled Leukemia for years. Before Leukemia happened to our family things seemed pretty good. John worked for BNSF Railway had become an engineer. We were buying a new home that was bigger than the one we had been living in for nine years. John dreamed of a shop and I dreamed of a bigger kitchen to cook and entertain in. We purchased our new home in September of 2003. Right away John started building his building and I didn't waste any time making sure the Holidays would be spent in our new home. Life was pretty sweet John was working and did his side business's of working on Jeeps and building barns. We couldn't have asked for more.
Come May of 2004 John seemed to be tired all the time and become sick with what we thought was the flu. John didn't like the doctor and never went ,but after a funeral of a friend George Morris. John looked at me and said he would like to go and see our family doctor. So we did right after the services of George. The doctor treated John for what they even thought was the flu but did show some concern for the lower blood counts and said they would keep an eye on them. To make long story shorter John was diagnosed with Leukemia June 2, 2004.
I could tell you all the long story about the years after that date but I'm going to spare you and myself the heartache. I will say John was the amazing one through the years of having to battle his cancer. He showed me just how strong a man can be. There were days I would beg him to slow down, sit down, lay down. Not John you could find him at work, in the shop, Jeeping and oh yes hunting was a must. I know now if John had slowed down he would have died a sooner.
I cant say enough how much I dearly miss him.
This all brings me to today. I still cant believe that we are approaching the year mark of Johns passing. December 30. Up to a month ago I thought I was dealing with things pretty well. I had been enjoying life and having the best friends a girl could ask for thought things were going to be ok. Then school started back up and that was hard because now I see on paper that I'm the only parent, Jash my son filled out papers for his school and listed his dad. I ask Jash why would you list your dad. He then cried and said mom because he is my dad and will always be. wow talk about a hit to the heart. Kenzie is my savior she amazes me daily she writes to her dad and talks about him every second of every day. She notices when I'm depressed and reminds me what John would say and she has it down to the exact words.( Kind've scary.)
With the holidays right around the corner I have found myself in a rut and depressed. I love the holidays but not looking forward to them this year. Life is so different single. You learn what you may have taken for granted before is the things you miss the most when they are gone. Like the lunch dates we often did while the kids were at school, they movies we would go see on Fridays when there was something good to see. I even miss driving around with him to all the metal places and junk yards and following him through Harbor freight for an hour while he looked at tools. Never thought I would miss that one. But I do. I miss the simple things in life that I never really noticed or would have never thought meant what I guess they did. I have also become the person I never thought I would. I stay home and for the most part and would rather not have to get dressed and face the world even now I'm sitting in front of my laptop in Pj bottoms and one of Jash's sweatshirts. I should be up cleaning house and doing something with my day. I have heard myself say whats the point. I know my kids are a good reason But it's now a battle that I'm going through. I cry at a drop of a pin and I hate it. Friends keep giving me advice on what they think I should be doing and what they would do. Really! They still have their husbands. I sit back and listen to my girl friends complain about what their husbands did or didn't do and all it does is make me sad. I would love to have what a few of them have. I also use to complain about John but at the end of the day I still loved him and was thankful for him.
I don't have a hand to hold a body to hug and lips to kiss. I don't have the option of not wanting to cook and asking John to bring something home. When I'm ill I don't get to stay in bed and have someone else take care of the kids. I feel so alone. Not everything is bad don't get me wrong my family and friends have been beside me for the most part. I try to express how I feel to even to them and it's hard. I wake up in the middle of the night and look at the empty side of the bed and it still hurts. I can be driving in my car and a song could come on and I bust out crying. I stand in my kitchen and I realize minutes later I'm still looking out the window I'm waiting to see his truck pulling into the drive. When will this hurt go away? when will my heart heal? I have tried to find ways to help me move on I took off my wedding ring during the summer thought maybe that would help me realize he is truly gone. I have not dated but the thought as crossed my mind and that scares me even more. I wouldn't know how. Where would a 33 year old widow with two kids find a date any how. I promise not sitting in my Pj's in my living room in the middle of the day. I also wonder is it OK to even think about making my self available for dating. John told me more than once that's what he would want except he added he would prefer a man who would never touch me lol John was a kidder.. Then I ask can you have two loves in one life time, John was my best friend can or will I ever be able to get some anything like what I had twice. I would never want to replace John that just cant happen he was a part of my life and will always be in my heart. I know it's all up to God right now I just pray that God will help ease the pain in my heart and in my kids hearts and help us find our path in life. I do have faith and one of my favorite sayings is :Faith is not believing that God can it's knowing that he will. I haven't lost my faith, and I love my God. I'm just a mess and trying to get through a storm with out a paddle.
I was reading through my friends blogs and thought this is a good way to speak my mind and allow others to truly under stand what my family has gone through over the years.
Let me start: I lost my husband John 10 months and 20 days ago. John had battled Leukemia for years. Before Leukemia happened to our family things seemed pretty good. John worked for BNSF Railway had become an engineer. We were buying a new home that was bigger than the one we had been living in for nine years. John dreamed of a shop and I dreamed of a bigger kitchen to cook and entertain in. We purchased our new home in September of 2003. Right away John started building his building and I didn't waste any time making sure the Holidays would be spent in our new home. Life was pretty sweet John was working and did his side business's of working on Jeeps and building barns. We couldn't have asked for more.
Come May of 2004 John seemed to be tired all the time and become sick with what we thought was the flu. John didn't like the doctor and never went ,but after a funeral of a friend George Morris. John looked at me and said he would like to go and see our family doctor. So we did right after the services of George. The doctor treated John for what they even thought was the flu but did show some concern for the lower blood counts and said they would keep an eye on them. To make long story shorter John was diagnosed with Leukemia June 2, 2004.
I could tell you all the long story about the years after that date but I'm going to spare you and myself the heartache. I will say John was the amazing one through the years of having to battle his cancer. He showed me just how strong a man can be. There were days I would beg him to slow down, sit down, lay down. Not John you could find him at work, in the shop, Jeeping and oh yes hunting was a must. I know now if John had slowed down he would have died a sooner.
I cant say enough how much I dearly miss him.
This all brings me to today. I still cant believe that we are approaching the year mark of Johns passing. December 30. Up to a month ago I thought I was dealing with things pretty well. I had been enjoying life and having the best friends a girl could ask for thought things were going to be ok. Then school started back up and that was hard because now I see on paper that I'm the only parent, Jash my son filled out papers for his school and listed his dad. I ask Jash why would you list your dad. He then cried and said mom because he is my dad and will always be. wow talk about a hit to the heart. Kenzie is my savior she amazes me daily she writes to her dad and talks about him every second of every day. She notices when I'm depressed and reminds me what John would say and she has it down to the exact words.( Kind've scary.)
With the holidays right around the corner I have found myself in a rut and depressed. I love the holidays but not looking forward to them this year. Life is so different single. You learn what you may have taken for granted before is the things you miss the most when they are gone. Like the lunch dates we often did while the kids were at school, they movies we would go see on Fridays when there was something good to see. I even miss driving around with him to all the metal places and junk yards and following him through Harbor freight for an hour while he looked at tools. Never thought I would miss that one. But I do. I miss the simple things in life that I never really noticed or would have never thought meant what I guess they did. I have also become the person I never thought I would. I stay home and for the most part and would rather not have to get dressed and face the world even now I'm sitting in front of my laptop in Pj bottoms and one of Jash's sweatshirts. I should be up cleaning house and doing something with my day. I have heard myself say whats the point. I know my kids are a good reason But it's now a battle that I'm going through. I cry at a drop of a pin and I hate it. Friends keep giving me advice on what they think I should be doing and what they would do. Really! They still have their husbands. I sit back and listen to my girl friends complain about what their husbands did or didn't do and all it does is make me sad. I would love to have what a few of them have. I also use to complain about John but at the end of the day I still loved him and was thankful for him.
I don't have a hand to hold a body to hug and lips to kiss. I don't have the option of not wanting to cook and asking John to bring something home. When I'm ill I don't get to stay in bed and have someone else take care of the kids. I feel so alone. Not everything is bad don't get me wrong my family and friends have been beside me for the most part. I try to express how I feel to even to them and it's hard. I wake up in the middle of the night and look at the empty side of the bed and it still hurts. I can be driving in my car and a song could come on and I bust out crying. I stand in my kitchen and I realize minutes later I'm still looking out the window I'm waiting to see his truck pulling into the drive. When will this hurt go away? when will my heart heal? I have tried to find ways to help me move on I took off my wedding ring during the summer thought maybe that would help me realize he is truly gone. I have not dated but the thought as crossed my mind and that scares me even more. I wouldn't know how. Where would a 33 year old widow with two kids find a date any how. I promise not sitting in my Pj's in my living room in the middle of the day. I also wonder is it OK to even think about making my self available for dating. John told me more than once that's what he would want except he added he would prefer a man who would never touch me lol John was a kidder.. Then I ask can you have two loves in one life time, John was my best friend can or will I ever be able to get some anything like what I had twice. I would never want to replace John that just cant happen he was a part of my life and will always be in my heart. I know it's all up to God right now I just pray that God will help ease the pain in my heart and in my kids hearts and help us find our path in life. I do have faith and one of my favorite sayings is :Faith is not believing that God can it's knowing that he will. I haven't lost my faith, and I love my God. I'm just a mess and trying to get through a storm with out a paddle.
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