hanging in

The last few days have been ok , I had a night out with friends Friday Night and had a blast. We didn't do anything special but sit around and talk till early morning hours but it was fun. Today I spent some time with the two most important people in my life, my kids. I really enjoy their company, and would enjoy it more if they would stop fighting with each other. I remember fighting with my sister but my kids fight over what seems like everything, from who gets the front seat in the car,to who's turn is it to water the dogs. I pray I can survive the teenage years. tonight we went and saw Bolt, it was an ok movie had a lot of funny parts and the kids seemed to enjoy it. Maybe I enjoyed it because you cant talk during the movie. hahaha.....

no big plans coming up. Christmas Eve we will attend a candle light service or that is the plan. We attended a candle light service last Monday night that was very touching. It was for family's who have lost a loved one, and when they called the loved ones name they would light a candle and they said a prayer over each family. They even read the poem I had posted earlier. It does give me some comfort that John is getting to spend Christmas in heaven how special that should be. Just wanted to share a note with my friends that the last few days haven't been all that bad. I'm really trying to get through the holidays and make it special for my kids. I cant even come close to understand how hard it must be on them.

Sunday, Time sure is flying by these days. Friday night the kids and I went to a Church program at Amarillo South with our friends the Cooksey's family It was a nice program and yet it to brought me down a bit. I couldn't help look around at all the family's and feel so jealous. I shouldn't feel that way. Saturday we went to John's baby sister's graduation at West Texas A&M. I'm so very proud of her afterwards we all enjoyed a nice lunch at Logan's, Just wished we had be able to visit a bit more. Saturday night I tried I really did try to have fun with the kids we ran to Old Navy to look for new PJ'S for Christmas Eve and then went to look at lights. I wanted to cry the whole time. My heart felt so broken. The last few days I felt like a fake person. Putting on a smile,getting dressed, and making people think I'm happy. I'm just not sure how to explain. I have an empty spot. Tuesday December 16th would have been Johns birthday and I wished his last one would have been better. He was so sick and had been bumped off a board at work and it was time to mark back up he didn;t want to and knew he couldn't work the yard he was just to weak so John bumped the only Job he could which bumped his Best friend off the board, John first of all hated to bump anyone. A long story short his friend wasn't so happy about it and called John on his Birthday and wasn't so nice. May-be if his friend had stopped and asked more questions or stopped and looked he would have known if John hadn't some one else would have anyways. I saw John cry that night he would never try to hurt anyone that's also the same night we fought. We fought for different reason's. John told me that night he knew he wouldn't be around much longer and he told the kids he knew he would be here for their graduations and to walk Kenzie down the aisle at her wedding. I chose not to want to listen and told him he was being a Selfish SOB . I told him it wasn't fair to talk that way not to the kids. I look back now and I wished I knew what I know now. I wonder often did he know. I was the one being selfish I should have listened. I always had hope that he would beat the cancer and beat what the treatments had done to him. John also told me lots of things that night and I thank him for what he said I just wished it could have been different. I guess I just needed to get this off my heart today. I pray for the kids to kept what their daddy said that night in their hearts so they never forget the love he had for them and I pray for that friend I haven't talked to him since John passed. John spoke about him just hours before he died, I pray that friend comes to realize John loved him more like a brother and John truly wished things had been different. I have been bitter towards that friend and I pray for it all to be lifted off my heart. I cant change the past between Friends. I was in hopes today I could just lift some of the weight off my heart. I realized it as bothered me for some time now. Maybe because it is just about a year. Everyone keeps telling me time heals I hope they are all right. Tuesday The kids and I along with Friends will release balloons to heaven to say Happy Birthday to the greatest person I had ever known who loved life to the fullest\ and cherished each person in his life. I hope God answers my prayers and Thanks John for me for the words he shared on December 16 2007.

My First Christmas in Heaven

My First Christmas In Heaven
I see the countless Christmas Trees around the world below,with tiny lights, like heaven's stars, reflecting on the snow.The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away that tear,for I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear,but the sounds of music can't compare with the Christmas choir up here.I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring,for it is beyond description, to hear the angels sing.I know how much you miss me. I see the pain inside your heart,but I am not so far away. We really aren't apart.So be happy for me dear ones. You know I hold you dear,and be glad I'm spending Christmas, with Jesus Christ this year.I send you each a special gift, from my heavenly home above.I send you each a memory of, my undying love.After all "LOVE" is the gift, more precious than pure gold.It was always most important in the stories Jesus told.Please love and keep each other, as my Father said to do,for I can't count the blessing or love he has for each of you.So have a Merry Christmas and wipe away that tear,Remember, I'm spending Christmas, with Jesus Christ this year.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My Neighbor sent me this poem in a Christmas Card, it touched my heart so much I really wanted to share. I cried as I read it . Lord I miss John with all my heart.. Below is a bit about The 13 year old who wrote it. God Bless.

~I've recently found out that this poem was written by a 13 year-old boy namedBen for his mom because he knew he would be spending Christmas in Heaven that year.Ben passed away on the 14th December 1997.

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Our Christmas tree The kids and I put up our tree in the living room not a hard task for most but sad for us. John past away just five days after Christmas last year. We had a pretty relaxed Christmas last year, We had a huge Breakfast here at the house then went to Johns moms for lunch, and went to the movies like we did every year. After the movies we ended up at Buffalo wild wing's and had a great time. This year pulling everything out of the boxes brought back so many memories of past Christmases. I just looked at our very first ornament and held it close. Johns Grandma gave it to us the year we got married 1994. I went to Hobby Lobby and got some new ornaments to hang this time I chose picture frames. This way we can hang picture's of John on our tree. The kids love them. It's really a good idea. Kenzie is really into the Christmas spirit she loved the fact we were getting out our things which makes me very happy. My kids give me strength to get through this and with the power of our lord. Which brings me to another issue I have on Christmas Eve John and I would go to the candle light service at Church I hope I have the strength to attend it this year. It wouldn't be Christmas without that. Just wanted to share some pictures of our house after the kids and I decorated.

The fireplace has to be lit up so Santa can see what he is doing

Here is Kenzie's tree, Jash decided he didn't want to bother with putting up his tree this year he had more important things to do like hanging with his friends. Kenzie loves every minute of it not sure where she gets. ( or maybe I do) She is just like her momma poor girl. I have to say she did a great job making her tree Beautiful.