Sunday, Time sure is flying by these days. Friday night the kids and I went to a Church program at Amarillo South with our friends the Cooksey's family It was a nice program and yet it to brought me down a bit. I couldn't help look around at all the family's and feel so jealous. I shouldn't feel that way. Saturday we went to John's baby sister's graduation at West Texas A&M. I'm so very proud of her afterwards we all enjoyed a nice lunch at Logan's, Just wished we had be able to visit a bit more. Saturday night I tried I really did try to have fun with the kids we ran to Old Navy to look for new PJ'S for Christmas Eve and then went to look at lights. I wanted to cry the whole time. My heart felt so broken. The last few days I felt like a fake person. Putting on a smile,getting dressed, and making people think I'm happy. I'm just not sure how to explain. I have an empty spot. Tuesday December 16th would have been Johns birthday and I wished his last one would have been better. He was so sick and had been bumped off a board at work and it was time to mark back up he didn;t want to and knew he couldn't work the yard he was just to weak so John bumped the only Job he could which bumped his Best friend off the board, John first of all hated to bump anyone. A long story short his friend wasn't so happy about it and called John on his Birthday and wasn't so nice. May-be if his friend had stopped and asked more questions or stopped and looked he would have known if John hadn't some one else would have anyways. I saw John cry that night he would never try to hurt anyone that's also the same night we fought. We fought for different reason's. John told me that night he knew he wouldn't be around much longer and he told the kids he knew he would be here for their graduations and to walk Kenzie down the aisle at her wedding. I chose not to want to listen and told him he was being a Selfish SOB . I told him it wasn't fair to talk that way not to the kids. I look back now and I wished I knew what I know now. I wonder often did he know. I was the one being selfish I should have listened. I always had hope that he would beat the cancer and beat what the treatments had done to him. John also told me lots of things that night and I thank him for what he said I just wished it could have been different. I guess I just needed to get this off my heart today. I pray for the kids to kept what their daddy said that night in their hearts so they never forget the love he had for them and I pray for that friend I haven't talked to him since John passed. John spoke about him just hours before he died, I pray that friend comes to realize John loved him more like a brother and John truly wished things had been different. I have been bitter towards that friend and I pray for it all to be lifted off my heart. I cant change the past between Friends. I was in hopes today I could just lift some of the weight off my heart. I realized it as bothered me for some time now. Maybe because it is just about a year. Everyone keeps telling me time heals I hope they are all right. Tuesday The kids and I along with Friends will release balloons to heaven to say Happy Birthday to the greatest person I had ever known who loved life to the fullest\ and cherished each person in his life. I hope God answers my prayers and Thanks John for me for the words he shared on December 16 2007.