hanging in

The last few days have been ok , I had a night out with friends Friday Night and had a blast. We didn't do anything special but sit around and talk till early morning hours but it was fun. Today I spent some time with the two most important people in my life, my kids. I really enjoy their company, and would enjoy it more if they would stop fighting with each other. I remember fighting with my sister but my kids fight over what seems like everything, from who gets the front seat in the car,to who's turn is it to water the dogs. I pray I can survive the teenage years. tonight we went and saw Bolt, it was an ok movie had a lot of funny parts and the kids seemed to enjoy it. Maybe I enjoyed it because you cant talk during the movie. hahaha.....

no big plans coming up. Christmas Eve we will attend a candle light service or that is the plan. We attended a candle light service last Monday night that was very touching. It was for family's who have lost a loved one, and when they called the loved ones name they would light a candle and they said a prayer over each family. They even read the poem I had posted earlier. It does give me some comfort that John is getting to spend Christmas in heaven how special that should be. Just wanted to share a note with my friends that the last few days haven't been all that bad. I'm really trying to get through the holidays and make it special for my kids. I cant even come close to understand how hard it must be on them.

Sunday, Time sure is flying by these days. Friday night the kids and I went to a Church program at Amarillo South with our friends the Cooksey's family It was a nice program and yet it to brought me down a bit. I couldn't help look around at all the family's and feel so jealous. I shouldn't feel that way. Saturday we went to John's baby sister's graduation at West Texas A&M. I'm so very proud of her afterwards we all enjoyed a nice lunch at Logan's, Just wished we had be able to visit a bit more. Saturday night I tried I really did try to have fun with the kids we ran to Old Navy to look for new PJ'S for Christmas Eve and then went to look at lights. I wanted to cry the whole time. My heart felt so broken. The last few days I felt like a fake person. Putting on a smile,getting dressed, and making people think I'm happy. I'm just not sure how to explain. I have an empty spot. Tuesday December 16th would have been Johns birthday and I wished his last one would have been better. He was so sick and had been bumped off a board at work and it was time to mark back up he didn;t want to and knew he couldn't work the yard he was just to weak so John bumped the only Job he could which bumped his Best friend off the board, John first of all hated to bump anyone. A long story short his friend wasn't so happy about it and called John on his Birthday and wasn't so nice. May-be if his friend had stopped and asked more questions or stopped and looked he would have known if John hadn't some one else would have anyways. I saw John cry that night he would never try to hurt anyone that's also the same night we fought. We fought for different reason's. John told me that night he knew he wouldn't be around much longer and he told the kids he knew he would be here for their graduations and to walk Kenzie down the aisle at her wedding. I chose not to want to listen and told him he was being a Selfish SOB . I told him it wasn't fair to talk that way not to the kids. I look back now and I wished I knew what I know now. I wonder often did he know. I was the one being selfish I should have listened. I always had hope that he would beat the cancer and beat what the treatments had done to him. John also told me lots of things that night and I thank him for what he said I just wished it could have been different. I guess I just needed to get this off my heart today. I pray for the kids to kept what their daddy said that night in their hearts so they never forget the love he had for them and I pray for that friend I haven't talked to him since John passed. John spoke about him just hours before he died, I pray that friend comes to realize John loved him more like a brother and John truly wished things had been different. I have been bitter towards that friend and I pray for it all to be lifted off my heart. I cant change the past between Friends. I was in hopes today I could just lift some of the weight off my heart. I realized it as bothered me for some time now. Maybe because it is just about a year. Everyone keeps telling me time heals I hope they are all right. Tuesday The kids and I along with Friends will release balloons to heaven to say Happy Birthday to the greatest person I had ever known who loved life to the fullest\ and cherished each person in his life. I hope God answers my prayers and Thanks John for me for the words he shared on December 16 2007.

My First Christmas in Heaven

My First Christmas In Heaven
I see the countless Christmas Trees around the world below,with tiny lights, like heaven's stars, reflecting on the snow.The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away that tear,for I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear,but the sounds of music can't compare with the Christmas choir up here.I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring,for it is beyond description, to hear the angels sing.I know how much you miss me. I see the pain inside your heart,but I am not so far away. We really aren't apart.So be happy for me dear ones. You know I hold you dear,and be glad I'm spending Christmas, with Jesus Christ this year.I send you each a special gift, from my heavenly home above.I send you each a memory of, my undying love.After all "LOVE" is the gift, more precious than pure gold.It was always most important in the stories Jesus told.Please love and keep each other, as my Father said to do,for I can't count the blessing or love he has for each of you.So have a Merry Christmas and wipe away that tear,Remember, I'm spending Christmas, with Jesus Christ this year.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My Neighbor sent me this poem in a Christmas Card, it touched my heart so much I really wanted to share. I cried as I read it . Lord I miss John with all my heart.. Below is a bit about The 13 year old who wrote it. God Bless.

~I've recently found out that this poem was written by a 13 year-old boy namedBen for his mom because he knew he would be spending Christmas in Heaven that year.Ben passed away on the 14th December 1997.

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Our Christmas tree The kids and I put up our tree in the living room not a hard task for most but sad for us. John past away just five days after Christmas last year. We had a pretty relaxed Christmas last year, We had a huge Breakfast here at the house then went to Johns moms for lunch, and went to the movies like we did every year. After the movies we ended up at Buffalo wild wing's and had a great time. This year pulling everything out of the boxes brought back so many memories of past Christmases. I just looked at our very first ornament and held it close. Johns Grandma gave it to us the year we got married 1994. I went to Hobby Lobby and got some new ornaments to hang this time I chose picture frames. This way we can hang picture's of John on our tree. The kids love them. It's really a good idea. Kenzie is really into the Christmas spirit she loved the fact we were getting out our things which makes me very happy. My kids give me strength to get through this and with the power of our lord. Which brings me to another issue I have on Christmas Eve John and I would go to the candle light service at Church I hope I have the strength to attend it this year. It wouldn't be Christmas without that. Just wanted to share some pictures of our house after the kids and I decorated.

The fireplace has to be lit up so Santa can see what he is doing

Here is Kenzie's tree, Jash decided he didn't want to bother with putting up his tree this year he had more important things to do like hanging with his friends. Kenzie loves every minute of it not sure where she gets. ( or maybe I do) She is just like her momma poor girl. I have to say she did a great job making her tree Beautiful.

Christmas tree blues

It's the week of Thanksgiving, Just in four days family's will be together having turkeys, watching the Dallas Cowboys play football and spending time together all I can think of is what comes next Christmas.
By now lights should be hung on the house and I have notice them going up all over town. I talked to the kids this morning and they said not having lights on the house was ok with them as long as there was a Christmas tree in the house. Every book I have read has said the worst times of the year after a loss of a loved one is Christmas,birthdays, Anniversary's and the year mark of the death. Wow no kidding I'm getting hit with three all in one. Johns birthday is December 16th and then there's Christmas and five days later the year mark of John going to Heaven. The last time I saw John we had our Christmas stuff up. To be honest it's scaring me to even think about looking at our Christmas items. I have always waited to put away our Christmas till after the new year. For some odd reason I put away the Christmas tree in the family room early last year. John was at work that Friday and I had just got everything in the living room put away. John went into the Hospital Saturday Morning and passed away Sunday morning. I have looked back and thought maybe God helped me by telling me to put away the tree early. I have prayed a lot the last few weeks. I really hate being so depressed. I know John is up there telling me to go and enjoy the holiday. Wished it was so simple. I told the kids we would put the tree up this week. Please pray for us. I hate the fact the kids have to see me have a total break down every time I get sad. Jash and Kenzie are so strong wished I could be more like them. They amaze me daily. I'm so very proud to have two wonderful kids. John and I were so blessed when God gave us those two. Please just pray that putting up our tree will be special and we can just look back at all the Christmas's that we had shared. Then again you can just bring me spiked eggnog .

Career day at school

Yeah! It's the weekend. I live for the weekends these days. I get to stay in with the kids and just spend time with them. This week went by pretty fast. Friday at Mackenzie's school they had Career day. Kenzie asked if she could dress as a doctor. Of course that would make a great career. Kenzie as a heart of gold. She just wants to help everyone and she I bet she will. Awhile back the nurses at Texas Oncology gave Kenzie one of the coats they wear for Halloween it's been about 3 Halloweens now I guess and we still have it. I thought she looked very cute in her doctor clothes. Still cant believe how fast they grow.

Jash since he was about two or three as said he wanted to grow up as a dentist. Not sure where he got that from but he still says it except he went from wanting to be just a dentist to a orthodontics dentist. Say's he is sure they make more money and almost every kid he knows needs braces or has braces. I can believe that Bonham is full of metal mouths. I know both my kids are in them. I know it's too soon for them to really know what they will be when they are older but I know I will sure be proud of them.

There are some days Kenzie wants to be a pop star.. Lord help us....

Last night was a nice night I got to enjoy the company of friends and good food. There was maybe 11 of us who went out to Buffalo Wild Wings and it was nice being in real clothes and having adult conversions. Brande asked how my week was and in till I say it out loud I didn't realize how bad my week sounded. I was only out of my house twice Wednesday and then Friday. I guess you don't realize it till you see the look on people's faces. The worst part is I got nothing really done around the house. Thursday I did clean some carpets and washed the bay windows. How exciting is that. I just don't feel like being out and don't have the money to do a lot of things so I just stay in. Today I have thought about taken down the rest of the Halloween items I still have up and taken down the fall items also. I'm sure my neighbors would be pleased to see the Halloween pumpkins gone before Thanksgiving.. So today I hope to get something done around here but who knows. All in all not a bad week.

family Pictures

Here are a few pictures of our family.
We started the Relay for life in 2004. I named the team FEARLESS! because thats what John was during his battle with cancer.

These would be some of my favorite pictures of John with the kids. He loved them so very much.

First Blog

My first Blog, OK it's not the first I have been a myspace blogger and an email junkie for years.
I was reading through my friends blogs and thought this is a good way to speak my mind and allow others to truly under stand what my family has gone through over the years.
Let me start: I lost my husband John 10 months and 20 days ago. John had battled Leukemia for years. Before Leukemia happened to our family things seemed pretty good. John worked for BNSF Railway had become an engineer. We were buying a new home that was bigger than the one we had been living in for nine years. John dreamed of a shop and I dreamed of a bigger kitchen to cook and entertain in. We purchased our new home in September of 2003. Right away John started building his building and I didn't waste any time making sure the Holidays would be spent in our new home. Life was pretty sweet John was working and did his side business's of working on Jeeps and building barns. We couldn't have asked for more.
Come May of 2004 John seemed to be tired all the time and become sick with what we thought was the flu. John didn't like the doctor and never went ,but after a funeral of a friend George Morris. John looked at me and said he would like to go and see our family doctor. So we did right after the services of George. The doctor treated John for what they even thought was the flu but did show some concern for the lower blood counts and said they would keep an eye on them. To make long story shorter John was diagnosed with Leukemia June 2, 2004.
I could tell you all the long story about the years after that date but I'm going to spare you and myself the heartache. I will say John was the amazing one through the years of having to battle his cancer. He showed me just how strong a man can be. There were days I would beg him to slow down, sit down, lay down. Not John you could find him at work, in the shop, Jeeping and oh yes hunting was a must. I know now if John had slowed down he would have died a sooner.
I cant say enough how much I dearly miss him.
This all brings me to today. I still cant believe that we are approaching the year mark of Johns passing. December 30. Up to a month ago I thought I was dealing with things pretty well. I had been enjoying life and having the best friends a girl could ask for thought things were going to be ok. Then school started back up and that was hard because now I see on paper that I'm the only parent, Jash my son filled out papers for his school and listed his dad. I ask Jash why would you list your dad. He then cried and said mom because he is my dad and will always be. wow talk about a hit to the heart. Kenzie is my savior she amazes me daily she writes to her dad and talks about him every second of every day. She notices when I'm depressed and reminds me what John would say and she has it down to the exact words.( Kind've scary.)
With the holidays right around the corner I have found myself in a rut and depressed. I love the holidays but not looking forward to them this year. Life is so different single. You learn what you may have taken for granted before is the things you miss the most when they are gone. Like the lunch dates we often did while the kids were at school, they movies we would go see on Fridays when there was something good to see. I even miss driving around with him to all the metal places and junk yards and following him through Harbor freight for an hour while he looked at tools. Never thought I would miss that one. But I do. I miss the simple things in life that I never really noticed or would have never thought meant what I guess they did. I have also become the person I never thought I would. I stay home and for the most part and would rather not have to get dressed and face the world even now I'm sitting in front of my laptop in Pj bottoms and one of Jash's sweatshirts. I should be up cleaning house and doing something with my day. I have heard myself say whats the point. I know my kids are a good reason But it's now a battle that I'm going through. I cry at a drop of a pin and I hate it. Friends keep giving me advice on what they think I should be doing and what they would do. Really! They still have their husbands. I sit back and listen to my girl friends complain about what their husbands did or didn't do and all it does is make me sad. I would love to have what a few of them have. I also use to complain about John but at the end of the day I still loved him and was thankful for him.
I don't have a hand to hold a body to hug and lips to kiss. I don't have the option of not wanting to cook and asking John to bring something home. When I'm ill I don't get to stay in bed and have someone else take care of the kids. I feel so alone. Not everything is bad don't get me wrong my family and friends have been beside me for the most part. I try to express how I feel to even to them and it's hard. I wake up in the middle of the night and look at the empty side of the bed and it still hurts. I can be driving in my car and a song could come on and I bust out crying. I stand in my kitchen and I realize minutes later I'm still looking out the window I'm waiting to see his truck pulling into the drive. When will this hurt go away? when will my heart heal? I have tried to find ways to help me move on I took off my wedding ring during the summer thought maybe that would help me realize he is truly gone. I have not dated but the thought as crossed my mind and that scares me even more. I wouldn't know how. Where would a 33 year old widow with two kids find a date any how. I promise not sitting in my Pj's in my living room in the middle of the day. I also wonder is it OK to even think about making my self available for dating. John told me more than once that's what he would want except he added he would prefer a man who would never touch me lol John was a kidder.. Then I ask can you have two loves in one life time, John was my best friend can or will I ever be able to get some anything like what I had twice. I would never want to replace John that just cant happen he was a part of my life and will always be in my heart. I know it's all up to God right now I just pray that God will help ease the pain in my heart and in my kids hearts and help us find our path in life. I do have faith and one of my favorite sayings is :Faith is not believing that God can it's knowing that he will. I haven't lost my faith, and I love my God. I'm just a mess and trying to get through a storm with out a paddle.