Week one during grief share

OK so many things have happened since my last post. I started a Grief Share class at Hillside Christan Church. Going into the class I had NO idea what to expect. or what I was hoping to get out of these classes. I'm a Christian and know people die, I know Christians will go to Heaven. I know we will see them again some day. But while we wait it's the worst pain I have ever felt. I feel horrible that I ever prayed for God to take John. I just wanted him to be healed from his pain. I know that John is in a better place and yes that gives me a great feeling. I know I'm not alone and others have had to grief for for John, and everyone does it different. But he was my best friend,my Husband,the father of my children, he was a lunch date, he was the one I would tell all and ask all. I have loss so much. The pain isn't a pain I can explain. I will attend these classes every Monday I just hope the emotional strain that I felt afterwards gets better. Few of my friends have known the stresses at home, the sleepless nights, the not being able to clean out closets (Johns) and the mornings I wake up and realize he is gone. Even after a year it at times doesn't feel real. I have talked with other widows and one thing some have said is to change little things to make them more mine. It's not erasing John. So my bedroom as been on of the hardest areas to be in and not hurt so badly. So I thought I would change it. It was actually on the list of things to do before John died. Matter of fact we asked the family that Christmas for gift cards to Lowe's I wanted to redo bathrooms and our bedroom. It's just taken me a bit longer. We had these 70's decorative poles going into the bathroom area that I always hated and wanted to have John remove and he never got around to it. So guess what I took a hammer and beat them out.

I was so excited that I was able to do it. I filled in the holes and then sanded it to make it smooth. YEA me. Here is a before and after. well more of a during and after.

Then I muded the walls. This is where the break down came into play. while I was muding I just started to cry. Not just a little bit like falling to the ground and bawling me eyes out. It could be it was 2.30am and I was tired. But I was pissed. I was pissed that John wasn't here That I couldn't share with him what I was doing. John wouldn't have been helping but I couldn't show him. John over the years got use to me redoing something in our home it's what I did.

He didn't mind it, he said because I never asked him to help. But afterwards I would expect to hear what he thought. I always tried to make everyone happy. I love how my room as turned out but sad at the same time.

Some day I will be able to clean out things, and it should be on my own time and not rushed by others. I'm kinda a pack rat and hate to discard anything. For some odd reason everything as a sentimental value to me even the things I would have hated before now have a different meaning. I have noticed my kids and I are a lot alike on this. Poor kids the one thing the got from me.

Please pray for my kids, I worry about them I have no idea what it is like to not have both parents.

I pray for you,I have asked our father to comfort all my friends and family with what ever troubles they may have, I also thank God for what I do have. God blessed me with a wonderful love through John and gave me wonderful kids ,family and friends I will cherish for ever.

(this means all family )

Just wanted to add if there is something you would like to know or think you know about me please ask me, One thing I have learned rumors can be funny,they can be hurtful, and they are most of the time just plain wrong or lies. What makes me more pissed off is when a family member spreads rumors that are untrue and unfair. It just shows that some people just really don't know you for who you are. Just to set all records straight and to get this off my chest I have not dated ANYONE! Not that it would be any one's business but don't tell people I am when I'm not you know who you are. Hope everyone as a great weekend.